“-You attract the bad in people…the dark side. Just like a monster…a monster…

-No…Ryan…no, I’m not a monster…I’m not!”

I’m not…the last echos of my nightmare are still screaming deep in my mind…and I can’t stop myself from shaking. Have I done this? Do I deserve to be loved…knowing that every time I’m repeating the same old script. A monster…that’s how he called me…

Is 4 in the morning and Dave is sleeping. He left everything to be with me…in a world he cannot understand. He’s smiling in his sleep and I know I can make him happy. For now..but for how long? How long till he’ll call me “a monster” too?

I lean over to kiss him gently…I don’t wanna wake him up. All I want is to run away. To leave before everything will become dark and ugly. I feel the panic building up inside my heart. But I did this before. Why is it so hard this time?

I’m speaking in a soft voice…he’ll hear me in his sleep. His mind wont remember, but his heart will. He will know why and he’ll find peace…

-Dave…I love you…I should have told you this when you were awake…but I was afraid. My love is poison and I can’t do this to you. I’m not leaving you, I’m leaving myself…OK, I know it doesn’t make any sense at all…but if I’ll stay…I’m sorry, I have to go…

I turn around and cry. Hot salty tears…I look at him for the last time…

-Please…don’t let me go…No, I’m sorry, this is for the best…Goodbye…

His strong arms pulling me close to him and right now I’m looking in his eyes. It only took him a second to get me back into the warm bed…

-There is no chance…absolutely no chance for you to run away!

-You heard? Ohhh…you were awake? You heard everything?

-Every single word. I should be mad as hell…

-I’m sorry…I don’t know what happen to me. I just panicked…

-Look at me, Carissa. You know who’s your worst enemy? Your past? Your fears? Your traumas? Your parents and the fact that you never felt loved or accepted?

-Don’t be cruel, Dave…you know me too well to even ask…Is all of these…

-Right now, you’re your worst enemy. You wanna punish yourself because, deep inside your mind, you created this illusion about you being guilty. Because being guilty means being responsible. And that means being in control. One thing you never had, right? That’s the real issue.

-I thought we agreed that you’re not my therapist…just my boyfriend…

-Your way of avoiding is only confirming my beliefs. I wanna be your boyfriend, believe me. I wanna be more than that…God…is 4 in the morning, Cari! I’d rather sleep, I’d rather make love to you, I’d rather warm up these cold feet of yours…

-Than analyzing my crazy behavior? You’re right, Dave…in all you said…

-If I’m right…stay. Stay and face your problems. Your shadows. Your nightmares. Don’t cry..there’s a whole world outside…full of people who’ll like you if you give them a chance. And yes, some will hate you…some will try to harm you. Will you run away every time?

-No, I wont…I’ll stay, Dave. For…as long as you want me. I love you and…we’re starting a new life. You changed your life for me…it’s scary…

-It’s love. Just love.

My dear friends, there are so many things left unsaid…But some stories are meant to be lived, not written. Thank you for all the beautiful comments, for all your support. It changed my life. I’m not running away this time…I’m just starting to live, truly live my life in present, in reality, in love.

Carissa

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