My reason (to be brave)

Tags

abuse, addiction, dark side, drugs, emotional abuse, forgiveness, love, metaphor, monster, revealing the truth, sexual abuse, sexuality, therapy

Therapist: Tell me about limits, boundaries…

Me: That’s exactly the problem…i don’t have a clue about them, i don’t know how to set boundaries. I got my own set of values, that’s true, but i don’t know how to make others respect my values…

T.: There’s something in your voice that tells me: it’s not about “i don’t know”. It’s something different…

Me: It may be…Do you think i’m afraid to set boundaries? 

T.: Cari, the question is: Do You think is about being afraid? And if that’s true, we need to find out more about this fear. Close your eyes, think about a sequence from your past when someone broke your moral rules…feel the emotions associated with the event…

“He pulled her hair gently, kissing her lips with a passion and hunger that left her breathless. She moaned when he pulled her closer, pressing her body against his…Lost in his arms, the only place where her senses seemed to betray her…enjoying every touch, his smell, his hands…his mouth on her neck, slowly biting her skin in that sensitive spot…She felt her heart pounding and whispered his name. He looked in her eyes for a moment, caressing her face, her lips…She closed her eyes and he kissed her again…so slowly, so deep…feeling her sweet surrender, savoring the smell of her skin…

-Baby…you smell so good…like fresh roses…and your lips taste so sweet…i don’t ever want you to leave…ever again…

-I wont…this is where i belong, Alessio…you’re my love, my everything…

He took her in his arms, carrying her to the bedroom. She saw the flowers, all over the bedroom, roses, tulips, wild orchids…

-Amore…you did this for me…Oh, you’re amazing…Alessio, i love you so much…

He whispered “i love you too” and gently laid her on the bed, telling her that he has another surprise. She loved his playful smile. He took something from the desk and told her to close her eyes.

-Can i see? Please…pretty please…

-My sweet impatient little princess. Now! Open your eyes…do you like it?

-You framed it! The picture of us! Amore…it’s the most amazing picture i ever saw…And you engraved something on the silver frame: “Forever in love”.  Alessio…i…

-Do you love me? Baby, there is something…i’m struggling inside, i’m dying inside ever since that day…But you need to know…

She felt a cold shiver, like she always had every time she was thinking about that day, that night…And she started to cry without any reason. He kissed her eyes and she saw the guilt in his gaze.

-No…Amore, no…don’t tell me…Just hold me close, i wanna remember this feeling forever. Oh, Alessio, i’m so afraid…please, don’t tell me about that day…don’t…I’ll lose you…i know, i felt it…And i dreamed again with black flowers…every time i have this dream i’m losing someone…don’t let go of me…

-Baby…i did something terrible…

-No, you didn’t! Alessio…don’t say the words! I don’t remember about that day…Why do you need to tell me? Promise me…

He took a deep breath and looked into her eyes. Seeing her tears he thought for a minute to let all go. To love her and to forget…but all those sleepless nights and the guilt…But she wasn’t prepared to hear…he knew, so he smiled and kissed her again. When she felt more secure, he started to speak.

-Cari…i don’t wanna hurt you, so you can close your eyes and just lay here in my arms. Pretend that i’m telling you a fairy tale. It’s better this way, baby? Alright, let’s see…Once upon a time, there was an ugly guy…yes, ugly in his heart. No one liked him and he didn’t liked himself either…One day, he met a sweet princess. Sweet and innocent and very, very beautiful. With a shining heart. Just like you, baby…He wanted her. So much, so bad that he was willing to do anything to have her…He didn’t cared that he’ll break her shining heart. He only wanted for her to be his and to make sure she’ll never leave him…

She felt that cold shiver again and closed her eyes. He asked her if she’s alright and she nodded. He continued.

-…one day, he took the princess to his dark tower. He had a magic potion that made the princess fall asleep. He wanted for her to sleep because he needed to steal her shining heart…To wear it like it were his…But he saw her sleeping. She was so beautiful, so like an angel, smiling in her sleep…He couldn’t…But when she woke up, he made her believe that…that she’s just an ordinary girl…without a shining heart. She believed. She cried. I think that something died inside her. Now, the ugly guy is tormented by his own demons…He knows that she’ll never forgive him. How can you forgive a monster? Can you, Cari?

-Yes. I can…

She was so pale, trembling in his arms. Her fears, her doubts…the truth finally revealed. He took her hands, kneeling in front of her, kissing her fingers. Asking her again and again…

-Cari…there’s something terribly wrong about me. I don’t know why, i don’t know how to change it. You got every right to run scared…But if you’re staying with me…baby, nothing bad will ever touch your shining heart. I wont…

She pressed her fingers against his lips. Empty promises…

-Alessio, i can’t run scared…Where would i run? To whom? Don’t you see…The ugly man doesn’t need to steal…the princess will give her shining heart. Willingly and free…And I…I’m no princess and you’re not an ugly guy…The monsters are outside…not here, in your arms…I saw a real one in Paris and it was disguised, looking exactly like my mother…And another one in Palermo, looking exactly like my father…So…there’s no place for me…to run scared…so, just don’t break my heart…I’ll never understand why you did it…But here’s my reason (she showed him the picture) to try…To forgive…”.

Therapist: If you don’t play how they want you to play, they’ll leave…And that’s terrible for you.

Me: Dave…every time someone leaves me…i’m breaking all over again. You gotta help me to care less…I realize i need help, because i live my life, i’m building my self esteem depending on others. What they feel about me, defines me. And it’s not alright…Help me…

T.: I feel your desperation and these words…”i need help” are a major step…I don’t know if you can care less about others, but we’ll travel together on this journey…and at the and of the road we’ll make sure that you care more about yourself. You’re not alone anymore…

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I wish you could see

Tags

addiction, blockage, calories, cat walk, diet, love, models, mother-daughter relationship, obesity, Paris, sadness, therapy

Therapist: When was the first time when you felt beautiful?

Me: I was about to say…in my childhood. No…people used to say that i’m cute or pretty. Beautiful…i guess i felt like that for the first time…with Ryan. Isn’t it sad?

T.: Do you feel sad when you think about this?

Me: Yes. Very sad. I have build my entire image…my self esteem…depending on his appreciation. It’s sad because…when he took away his love, he took away everything and i just crashed…You know, Dave…i think i re-lived the same feeling of being not good enough…

T.: Who made you feel that you’re not good enough? Was it Ryan?

Me: No…it was my mother. That’s why it hurts so much, that’s why i need so much validation from him. When i feel rejected i also feel ugly, unapproachable, unlovable…

“She was licking her fingers smiling happily and thinking that the butter flavored croissant that she had just eaten must be the most delicious food from the entire world. Then, she took the sorbet and almost moaned when she felt the chocolate melting in her mouth. With traces of strawberry cream in the corner of her mouth and sticky fingers…she wanted to remember the taste of Paris…

Her mother, Leanne was calmly looking at the black coffee on the table. Silently. She knew this silence and she didn’t wanted it.

-Mom, don’t you want something for breakfast? You told me that it’s the most important meal of the day…

-No, i don’t. Carissa…we need to talk about what happened yesterday.

-I’m sorry, mother…i just couldn’t…i imagined the cat walk with all those gazes on me and i just blocked. I’m sorry…

-Well, sorry it’s not good enough! Honey, i payed for those lessons and Jean Michel told me you have potential. I don’t get it! I just don’t get it, Carissa…After a whole week…spending time with models, taking lessons…here you are eating ten thousands calories…

-But you said i can take anything i want…

-I was upset! And how was i suppose to imagine that you’re going to eat all this…I thought you’re asking for an orange fresh or a coffee…

The old dispute about sweets…She looked down, feeling miserable. Thinking she’s not worthy of anything, her eyes filled with tears. Leanne’s tone melted a little.

-You know i only want what’s best for you, don’t you, honey? Come on…tell me what happened yesterday. Was one of the girls  mean to you? They can be so bitchy sometimes…

-Oh, no…they were wonderful to me! I think i made a few new friends. But that dress…it was too short! I’m not used to have guys starring at my body…I felt like a merchandise…like all they cared about was my body. And i blocked…i’m not made for this…i’m sorry for disappointing you like this…

Leanne’s smile had nothing warm. Only sarcasm.

-Oh, poor little you…You wanted to be noticed for your personality or for your intelligence, not for your body. Honey, no one will care about your brain if your body isn’t hot as hell…If you’re fat and ugly, no one cares about the sweetness of your heart. What do you imagine? You think that your boyfriend wants intelligent conversations with you?

She blushed remembering Alessio. Deep inside her heart she knew that her mother may be right but she wasn’t ready to admit it. Leanne continued:

-If you continue to eat like this…without any care at all for the calories you’re consuming…you’ll be fat as a cow. Your boyfriend will leave you, you’ll have no friends…no success and no career…You’ll become a looser…I don’t want this for you. Now you’re underweight…but you’re 17…let’s see how you’ll look ten years from now! Oh, Carissa…i just wish you could learn something from me! I was a professional model for years! I know what i’m talking about…But you don’t wanna listen! I wish you could be different…

She looked straight in her mother’s eyes thinking that she has nothing to lose. The sadness in her voice was overwhelming.

-I wish you could see me…really see me, mom…I’m not you…I’m not tall enough…my hair isn’t curled, like yours…I have straight hair and the color isn’t light blonde…no, is reddish like i were Irish…My eyes aren’t blue, that baby-blue eyes of yours, i don’t have…I have green eyes. I know you’re always on diet…i can’t. But God helped me with that, so i can eat anything without getting fat. I don’t know how i’ll be ten years from now…but i don’t wanna be like you, mother. I wanna be kind and nice to people…I’ll never judge someone because they’re over weight…Maybe i’ll fall in love with someone obese…so what? I liked those girls, the models…but some of them are sacrificing their health…And you know what? It’s not worthy! By the way, the only bitch i know is standing right here in front of me!

Leanne became pale.

-Get out, Carissa. Get out of here, or i’ll do something i’ll regret later.

She left the restaurant with tears in her eyes, regretting everything, especially her last sentence. She knew her mother is crying too…she could recognize the tremble in her voice. She was feeling guilty for judging her own mother…She cried like a scared child, in a strong need for a validation. To know she’s loved…

-Hello…

-Alessio? It’s me…Cari…

-Baby! So good to hear your voice…you’re crying? What happened? Another fight with your mother?

-Amore mio…tell me i’m beautiful…

-Cari, you know you’re the prettiest girl in the entire world…

-No…tell me the words…i need to hear them…do you think i’m beautiful?

-Ohhhh…You are beautiful. Your face, your body, your heart…you are beautiful. A bit crazy, but still beautiful. Is it ok? You know, i could put a rhyme and make a poem out of them. Or a song…i think it would be a big hit…Come on, baby…i know you’re smiling there…

-I love you. You’re crazy too…i love you.”

Therapist: Every time you feel neglected, there’s a voice inside you, telling you again and again what your mother said…You’re not good enough…

Me: Eating sweets, obsessing about Ryan, crying myself to sleep…nothing quiets the voice inside me…

T.: Maybe you’re looking for answers in others when you’re the only one who has the power…No one else can heal you. You’re the only one who can heal the wounds of your heart.

 

 

Whispers in the darkness

Tags

abuse, addiction, agression, Alessio, anger, emotional abuse, frustration, panic attack, pornography

Therapist: You make it sound like the perfect love story. Somehow, it’s hard to believe, from what you already said about Alessio..

Me: True…it wasn’t the perfect love story. Just a night that started so romantic and ended in tears.

T.: Oh…so, no happy-ending…not that i’m surprised…

“It was four o’clock in the morning and she was smiling in her sleep. She was sleeping in his arms and the feeling of being protected and loved was more than she could ever ask for. Instinctively, she reached her hand searching for him…she touched the soft pillow and opened her eyes.

Alone in bed, she tried to locate the source of light and the strange sounds. Whispers, moans and flashes. Then she saw him and she felt relieved. He was working. That’s why the flashy lights…But how could he work so early in the morning…she became aware of her own thoughts. She opened her eyes and now she was completely awake.

-Amore, what are you doing? Why are you working so early…

He suddenly closed the laptop hearing her sleepy voice. The last thing he ever wanted was for her to know. He still hoped that she didn’t saw…

-It’s nothing…tesoro…go back to sleep, in an hour we need to get ready to drive you back to school. So you wont get into troubles…Come on…close these pretty eyes of yours and sleep.

She smiled, putting her arms around his neck.

-Only if you come back to bed…I can’t sleep without you. Amore…what were you doing with the laptop? I thought i hear something…

-Nothing…i couldn’t sleep so i was watching something…i’m sorry for waking you up…

He saw the question in her eyes and tried to avoid her gaze. She had that playful spark in her eyes.

-You’re not gonna tell me what you were watching, aren’t you? So, what? I’m gonna search myself…your big dark secret…Here…i’ll open it…

-NO!

He almost pushed her away from the computer. She felt on the bed, too shocked to speak.

-I’m so sorry, Cari…i didn’t mean to push you like this. Look…i don’t wanna argue with you, but some things are better left unsaid…

She felt suddenly scared.

-Alessio, you can tell me anything. I wish you could stop treating me like a baby and…just tell me. It can’t be that bad. What were you watching…I know! It was a horror movie. With monsters and…

He couldn’t bare anymore. The words almost exploded when he spoke.

-I’m treating you like a child because you are a child! Because if i’m treating you like an adult you’re starting to cry! I’m sick and tired of feeling the bad guy here! Wanna know what i was doing? Look at me when i’m telling you!

He grabbed her chin making her look in his eyes. She had tears in her eyes and a scared lost look.

-Of course, you’re already crying! God…Hear me out! I was watching porn…

She didn’t had any reaction. He tried to calm down seeing her so lost.

-Do you know what i’m talking about? (she nodded) Tell me! What did i said?

Her voice was trembling.

-You watched a movie where two people are filmed while they’re making love…

He started to laugh…a nervous cold laugh. Then he grabbed her by her shoulders.

-They weren’t making love! They f…ck hard! And it was more than two people. Do you know why am i doing this? Because i can’t take it anymore! Feeling your body almost naked the whole night made me so aroused…i needed some relief! I’m still so hard…it’s painful. But what do you care, right? I’m the bad guy, the pervert who took the crying little girl and made her sad…

She didn’t responded. She couldn’t understand…this stranger who was so harsh and resentful was the love of her life…

-Amore mio…i never thought you’re a pervert. I admire you…Why…why are you treating me this way? Alessio, you’re hurting me…have i done something wrong?

Seeing her so vulnerable it only increased his anger. He was angry at her, at himself…Because he blamed himself and he hated feeling so guilty.

-Alessio…talk to me…look at me…you’re not yourself. I know, i read about pornography, it’s highly addictive, but i’ll help you get over if you’re addict…i’ll be by your side, no matter what…

He suddenly pushed her, making her sit in front of the laptop. Then he opened the link…

-Look! Open your eyes and look! This is what i was watching…this is the real me! Those are my fantasies, this is what i’m expecting…Stop admiring me and stop being like this! F…. sweet and innocent! Look at the f… movie, don’t look down!

She tried to watch but images refused to make sense to her. The feeling of being blocked somewhere inside her own mind. The cruel reality started to form inside her broken dream. Almost naked in front of this stranger who was forcing her to watch porn…and she wanted to cry and wanted to breath but all was blocked inside her. Then it happened…her first panic attack.

He saw her suffocating and realized what he did…The desperation in her eyes, the trembling in her body, the tears that didn’t dried…His misplaced anger…her misplaced trust. He took her in his arms, holding her very protective.

-Cari, amore…i’m terribly sorry…what have i done to you? Look at me, i love you…i love you and i lost my mind…forgive me, please. Can you forgive me? My sweet Cari…please tell me you’re forgiving me. Please, i’m begging you for a second chance! I don’t know what’s wrong with me…with us…

She slowly regain the control over her breathing. She felt tired and lonely. A voice inside her was telling her to be strong.

-I wanna go back to school. Please, let go of me…Alessio, it’s over…I was wrong about you and i was a fool…But we’re over now…”

Therapist: It’s terrible…being abused by the man you trust and love…

Me: I wouldn’t call it abuse…he didn’t actually hurt me…

T.: Cari, you still don’t realize it…you still don’t see how deep and terrifying is the pain he put you trough. That’s why you keep repeating the same script…