What do I do when lightning strikes me

Tags

abuse, attraction, engagement, falling in love, family, flirting, gratitude, homeless, kiss, loneliness, new start, relationship, seduction

Dave: Was it ever a moment when you stopped believing in love?

Me: More than one moment. Even now, from time to time I got this feeling…that only a few people are lucky enough to be loved.

Dave: Is it luck what we’re talking about? Or are you just feeling not worthy enough to be loved?

Me: I know that every human being is worthy to be loved…

Dave: You know that…but do you really feel it?

“She was playing with her hair, convinced that he’s starring at her. The hot chocolate made her smile involuntarily. It was warm and cozy and she wanted to have this moment engraved in her mind forever.

-I’m sorry about before…my parents can be so…

-So amazing…Matteo, your parents are awesome…the nicest people I ever met. I thought they’ll hate me for everything we went trough…but in the worst moment of my life, they reached out to me…Your mother said I’m a part of their family…can you imagine how precious these words are to me…in a moment like this when I lost everything…

She stopped because her voice was trembling and she didn’t wanted to cry again. He took her hands, keeping them warm in his.

-My parents know how precious you are to me. Carissa…I have to go…and you have to go to sleep. This day was terrible…but you’re starting a new life. With us, your family. So…

-Don’t go…stay with me…Please don’t leave me alone, Matteo…

He smiled and it seemed to be so much light and gentleness in his eyes…it made her wonder if their past was only a bad dream. She felt encouraged by his smile so she got closer, putting her head on his chest. He took her in his arms.

-You’re different…

-Different…how?

-Carissa…you’re like another person. Remember this morning? You didn’t wanted to get in my car…and all this time you said you want nothing to do with me. And that’s understandable…but now…

-Now I’m changed.

He ran his fingers trough her hair saying nothing. She whispered in his ear “don’t go” and the closeness and her warm breath was more than he ever imagined to feel again. She looked in his eyes with a playful smile. Then she closed her eyes.

-I know you wanna kiss me…

-I do…God, how I wanna kiss you…

The torment in his voice…the way he cupped her face, the tenderness in his touches…parting her lips with his, kissing her slowly and passionate, the perfect combination between gentleness and wildness, love and despair…making the past seem so far away while the beatings of her heart created the rhythm of a new hope. A new love, old and new…the same actors with a whole different script. Will they know how to play it right…

She wanted to stay in his arms forever. The taste of hot chocolate combined with the taste of his kiss…

-This is crazy, Carissa…you’re tired, vulnerable…and I…I lost all my self control with you…That’s why I have to go…

-No…you don’t…you could kiss me again…and you could hold me trough this night…and this time I’ll be different…this time it will be how you want it to be…how it should had been from the start…

It were the right words and she knew she’s fulfilling a dream. His dream…She took his hand and pulled him closer, then laid on the bed, looking at him with her eyes half closed, smiling sweetly.

-Come sleep with me…Matteo…

He laid with her, kissing her shoulder, holding her close to him.

-You said it will be how I want it to be…what if I want you to love me?

-Then I will love you…

She said the words so normally and naturally, turning her head to face him. Looking in his eyes.

-Matteo…what if I’d tell you that I wanna erase the past? Delete all the mistakes, all the bad decisions, all the hurt and pain?

-I would say that is a sweet thought…and an impossible one. Carissa, what I did to you…the way I hurt you in the past…you can’t erase that…it will haunt us…

-No, it wont…because that part of my life died this morning. When I saw myself on the streets with no place to sleep, nothing to eat…and now…now I have a shelter, a home, a family. You did more than saving me…you gave me a new life, a future…something that the others took away from me…If a lightning would strike me right now…my only regret it would be that I didn’t gave you…

He kissed her, stopping her from talking.

-Don’t cry…everything it will be alright…you gave me more than you can imagine, Carissa…

-…my heart…my life…everything I am…if you want me…if you still want me…

-You’re still the sweetest girl I ever met…of course I want you. So…if you promise to close those pretty eyes of yours and sleep…

-yes?

-Then I’m going to hold you all night long…Yes, don’t look so surprised…I’m not leaving you, not now, not ever…

She whispered “I promise” and closed her eyes. It was warm, it was safe…at least for a while…and that was more than she ever had before.”

Dave: Have you ever loved him?

Me: I wanted to…I tried to…I thought that’s all I’ll ever have…and I felt so guilty for not being able to feel more. Back then it seemed right, but now I understand how wrong I was…his heart was my shelter, his family was my refuge, his home was my safe place…and I thought I’m strong…

Dave: You were…sometimes it takes strength simply for staying alive…or for surviving a deadly storm of life…

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Even if saving you sends me to Heaven…

Tags

cheating, God, love, mission, missionary, night club, sacrifice, seduction, therapy, war zones

Dave: I remember the first time when I saw you…

Me: Yes…I told you to do something, anything at all to stop the panic attacks.

Dave: I asked you if you’re sure you wanna stop them…

Me: Back then I was outraged by such a statement. Now I understand. I think that I was afraid to discover myself, the real me. The girl hidden behind the panic, the feelings hidden behind the fear. 

Dave: You made it. Do you realize how amazing you are?

Me: We did it, Dave, together. And I still need your help, even if my panic attacks are over. Help me discover the woman in me…

“When Daniele closed the door behind him, her first thought was to put her pajama and to hide her head under the pillow. And to cry…till she’ll fall asleep. Still…looking at her image in the mirror she smiled.

Such a waste…I did everything to be with him and he choose to go to church to pray for world’s peace…while I have no peace at all…I deserve better. I deserve a boyfriend who can put me on the first place in his mind and in his heart. Someone who could kiss me, really kiss me, without feeling guilty…Someone who could admire me, my body, my new dress…

She realized that she gave a voice to her thoughts. A strong voice. She decided to go dancing. By herself.

The air was cold and her jacket was too thin, but the adrenaline wave rushing trough her veins kept her warm. The new night club was just a few streets away. She walked ahead, sure of herself even if her heart was pounding. The bartender smiled when she asked for a non-alcoholic cocktail.

-Do you wanna dance?

She liked his voice, his eyes, his perfume. The way he held her hand when he leaded her to the dance floor. His hand pulling her closer firmly and still so gentle. He took a strand of her hair between his fingers.

-It smells like sweet roses…a perfect match to your smooth skin…you’re so beautiful, so like an angel…if you were mine I’d treat you like a princess…

-Thank you…

-I wanna show you something magic…Do you wanna see? (she nodded) Here, on your neck…there’s a tiny spot (his fingers went down from her hair to her neck line, gently caressing, barely touching her)…and if I’d kiss this tiny spot (he leaned and kissed her) you’ll feel small goose bumps all over your skin…mmmmm…yes, see? I was right…

-It is magic…

-You like it? But the magic is about to happen…Come here, let’s sit for awhile.

He took her hand and leaded her to a private corner of the club.

-I don’t know about that, it’s so dark in here…

She tried to protest but he just smiled and pushed her slowly on the couch.

-How could it be dark if I see so much light in your gorgeous eyes? Baby, when you’re looking at me like that…I’m melting…you’re stealing my heart away…

-Promise me that…you wont…we don’t know each other and I’m afraid to…

He started to massage her shoulders.

-You’re so tense…baby, you’re completely safe with me. My princess…we’re not doing anything wrong here…you’re so precious to me…

-Am I? You think that…maybe, even if we don’t know each other…you could love me?

He laid her down, his hands unzipping her dress. She panicked and tried to push him away, but he kissed her and her resistance melted away.

-Baby…I love you…it was love at first sight…don’t be so cruel to me…I’m only trying to make you feel good here…I know you want me…

-I do, but…

-Than…be mine…no one will know about it…just relax, baby…

Suddenly a strong hand pulled her arm and she heard a familiar voice.

-Let her go.

-Who the hell are you?

-Her boyfriend. And she’s going home. I don’t want problems.

The voice she liked before became mean and sarcastic.

-Ohhhh…we’re cool man…you can have her…the bitch is all yours.

As they walked silently on the empty streets, she thought that she never lowered that down…she never experienced such humiliation. Then, like a cold shower…she realized how much was she hurting him.

-Cari…

-Say it, Dani. Say anything, cause I deserve it. Do anything, leave me, yell at me, I deserve it. What I did is…

He took her in his arms.

-What you did is very dangerous. Tell me, Sunshine…was it because of me? Because I went to the group instead of going with you to that night club?

-No, Dani. It’s me…I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m afraid of my own actions and I can’t recognize myself. I’m very, very sorry…

-Don’t cry, it’s breaking my heart to see you cry. Look at me, Cari. I really love you. I think is true love…I want you to be a part of my life forever. I spoke to Padre Antonio today…

Her eyes brightened.

-You did? You decided to leave the group? For me?

-Ohhhh…Sunshine. It wasn’t that…I wanted to ask you to come with me.

-Where?

-You know how I always dreamed to be a missionary. You and me, imagine us…helping children, saving orphans, building a future for them…

-Where?

-Imagine giving food and water to a starving child…Sunshine, I know you, you could do wonders for them…

-Where, Dani? You’re scarying me…

-In Afghanistan…or in other war zones. There is where we’re needed desperately.

She turned her back.

-Cari…Sunshine…Our lives would be meaningful…

-Yes, but…terrible things are happening there. What if someone is trying to kill me or to kidnap me or…

-I would protect you with my own life. I would die for you…

She looked into his eyes with an overwhelming sadness.

-That’s exactly our problem, Dani. I don’t want you to die for me…I want you to live for me, for us. And I want a family…I want a house with a swing in the backyard, I wanna hear children laughing and birds singing in the trees I’m gonna plant…Small things, happy things, precious moments.

-I don’t wanna loose you…

-Never. You’ll never loose me. Dani, I love you and I know you love me. We just need different things…and it’s ok…We’ll be ok. Somehow…we’ll be ok.”

Dave: This feeling…that anything you’d do it’s not enough…

Me: It’s true…

Dave: You had no chance, Cari. To save Daniele, to save Said…you have every right to cry…cry all the tears, shout out loud if you need to…tell Him how cruel and unfair He is…but don’t forget…you can save someone…yourself. And this is what I’m grateful for. Because I see it in your eyes…you became what you were made to be: a strong, courageous, extraordinary woman…Don’t say thank you. Say “I will”… 

You saved my soul (don’t leave me now, don’t!)

Tags

anger, anger control, attraction, cheating, confessions, faking, hotel room, love, lying, making love, role playing, seduction, sex, suicide attempt

Me: I wanna tell him everything. About Alessio, about that evening that almost changed my destiny…I wanna let him see me for who I really am…

Dave: Cari, stop! He’ll see who you were, not who you are today. Why are you cancelling every single progress you made? Why are you denying yourself the chance to a normal life? And…for God’s sake! How can you be so cruel…in a name of your misplaced honesty…

Me: Dave, he’s my husband and he knows nothing! One day he’ll find out and he’ll hate me. He’ll leave me…

Dave: So you decided to make him hate you right now? To push him out of the door tonight? Cari, don’t…

“She was wearing the dress with red roses. It was a long dress but the fabric was so airy that the shape of her body was very well revealed. High heels sandals, the hair flowing on the shoulders and a silky rose in her hair. Fresh and refined at the same time…that was the impression she wanted to create for their final meeting. A final conversation…his way of saying goodbye, her way of having a closure…

The hotel room was so beautiful, white furniture and a smell of lavender in the air. She could see the town from the balcony but she was afraid to go there…so she just looked at him, so handsome and wild, with his curled black hair and his white shirt, just standing there, a little nervous, a little anxious…But she was sure of herself, just like she learned to be in the past weeks.  Even if she was trembling inside…

-So, I think we said all that was to be said…right, Alessio? I wish you a safe flight and a happy life with her. May she give you all I never knew how to give…

-Cari, is hard for me…but seeing you so self confident, so beautiful, shining with elegance and style, I realize…I could never give you this. He’s the one for you…You found the family you were looking for…you found the tenderness and the care…you found the love of your life. I want us to be friends, I want you to write me, I wanna see you happy and fulfilled, marrying the guy you love…

She sensed a wave of anger and a feeling of nausea she almost couldn’t control. He came closer and touched her chin lifting her face. The tears in her eyes were visible.

-Cari…baby, are you alright? You know I’ll always care for you…

-You never loved me, Alessio.

The way she pronounced the words had something touching within, making him melt inside. He took her in his arms and she felt too weak and vulnerable to protest.

-Baby, I don’t know…I don’t know how to love you, or how to show you my feelings. I hurt you too many times and I hate myself…I remember you were afraid of me…it makes me sick just imagining what was in your soul…because of me. Tell me, baby…at least now…are you happy? Is he treating you well? And your first time…was it all like you dreamed to be? You deserve all the tenderness a man could give…

A lie…any lie…was impossible to find. She knew that’s the end. She wont have a way back to her role playing. But a lie was impossible to find, not as long as she was in his arms. Not like that…

-My first time…was horrible. He forced me to…and it was so painful, I felt like dying. At some point I lost contact with reality, I lost my mind…And when I came back…I was empty inside, I still am. He’s treating me well, as long as I seem happy…and I’m faking all the time. Passion, desire, love…I learned to fake them so well…I’m afraid I’ll never know how to be honest ever again…And when we’re making love…

-Shut up!

He pushed her and the violence of his reaction scared her. He talked fast, like lacking air to breath.

-You’re a liar! You want me to believe that he forced you and then…what? He proposed you and he’s treating you like a princess? And you’re faking because of…what? For his money? You know what you are, Carissa? A whore…a lying whore. Now I’ll go cause I feel I can’t control myself…

He slammed the door leaving her alone. She wanted to cry but she couldn’t find the tears inside her. Small baby steps…the lights of Rome were under her feet. Just a jump away…just a step away. “Do it, Cari. You have nothing to lose. Don’t be afraid, I’m here. Remember me, your imaginary friend. Me, Amy? You should have done it long ago but you’re such a coward. Now is the perfect moment…”

“I’ll do it, Amy. I’ll do it.”

She took the step and she waited for the fall. She was surprised by the sensation. The warmth of his strong arms. Holding her tight. She was afraid to open her eyes. He took her in the bed, carrying her like she were a child, kissing her eyes, her tears, her face.

-Forgive me, baby. Forgive me please…How could I doubt you, my love? You’re safe now, I’m so happy I came back…you could be death now, Cari…and for what? For a stupid insensitive bastard like myself? No…I love you, Cari. I do…I know you’re not faking now, you love me too…make love to me…be honest and just breath and feel again…my love…

She whispered yes and they made love. With passion and desperation, in a sweet, tender and wild way…for the first and the last time…For her it was more than making love, it was giving herself completely…with an honesty she never thought she’ll be able to feel and express again…

…

She woke up. The first morning rays seemed cruel to her eyes. She wanted that warm place once again…to cuddle in his arms, to feel his body sheltering hers…and she reached a hand to touch him, to caress his hair. The place was empty…a lonely red rose was lying next to her. And a note. Written by an unsure and nervous hand. A hand that, earlier, held her heart and now was tearing it apart. Again.

“Last night…I realized I’ll love you forever. I also know I cannot be with you. Because you’re amazing and I’m not what you need…I love you, Cari…but the anger and the hurt…are just too strong right now. I keep hurting you, baby…and I want you happy and beautiful. I’m leaving for good…please try to forget, try to move on…try to forgive me…”.

And she understood. He ran away. She understood. But she never forgave…”.

Dave: He ran away but he couldn’t stay away.

Me: Yes, unfortunately. But I can. I wont hurt Ryan, I wont run away. It hurts too much to wake up to an empty bed…and to an empty heart…

Like waves of sweet fire, you’re safe within

Tags

dominance, fears, first time, ice cream, making love, need, pain, passion, seduction, sex

Me: No, this time I wont let you play this game! Not anymore…

Dave: You think is a game? Is about your life, Cari…

Me: Well, you made it about you. You did! In the moment you started to imply that you’re having feelings for me…and the next second you start analyzing my behavior and I’m wondering if I’m crazy…if I only imagined…

Dave: You’re not crazy and you didn’t just imagined. You need my friendship, not something else…and this is about you, about putting you on the first place…

Me: Like Ryan never does? You’re so predictable…Give her what she’s missing and she’s yours…right? Right, Dave?…

“-Dark passion for the blonde angel…with a touch of french vanilla and crispy chocolate on top…Is this what you’re craving for?

She jumped into his arms.

-You’re my hero, Matteo! Ice cream for dinner…and…hot chocolate for breakfast? Can I? Will you? Pretty please…It will be our secret…

He took the spoon and told her to open her mouth. She could see the joyful sparks in his eyes.

-Perfect…So, hot chocolate for breakfast? We’ll see…Oh, sweetie, I was longing for this…to see you jumping in my arms, like you used to…To see you so careless and playful, acting so natural with me…

-Cause you’re spoiling me! And you’re feeding me ice cream for dinner! I should bruise my arm every day…

He suddenly became serious, touching her forehead.

-Good, the fever is gone. Sweetie…I wanna ask you something and I need you to be honest. Is about you and Alessio…why did you two never…became intimate?

She almost chocked with the ice cream. Hearing Alessio’s name…She looked down but he lifted her chin.

-Matteo…please, don’t…Look, I’ll tell you why…but then we’ll drop the subject forever. We never made love because I never felt loved. He…he seemed to be attracted by the idea of having sex with…with…

-With someone innocent? A virgin? You felt like you were only a fantasy to him?

-Yes. And I wanted more…I wanted to feel important, special…not because he’s my first but because of who I am. That’s why I wanted to wait till the wedding…yes, I know what you think about this…but for me…that would  have been a guarantee that he’ll be…tender and carrying…oh, Matteo, please let’s just drop it, you couldn’t understand…

She started to cry and he took her in his arms, caressing her hair.

-Carissa, i’m the creep who ruined it all for you…I understand, I hate myself and…I would do anything to make it right again…

She distanced herself from him, looking in his tormented eyes.

-Now is my turn. One question. Why do you love me? Be honest, Matteo…

-Ohhhh…the obvious answer would be: you’re beautiful, sweet, smart, generous, carrying…And it’s true, you’re all these and more. But I love you for another reason…You’re the fulfillment for a need of mine…The way you look at me, with so much admiration and love…the way you’re jumping in my arms, running toward me…the way you enjoy simple things…and you never take anything for granted…I need these in my life…You’re blushing so easily and it’s so arousing…you have this shyness and this softness in your voice. You’re so sweet when you’re a rebel and you’re so precious when you’re cuddling in my arms…And I almost lost you. The way I hurt you…only a mad man could do it…I love you because I need you…

He kissed her and laid her gently on the sateen sheet. His hands were slowly undressing her…she tried so hard to stop the memories and the fears…

-Sweetie…you don’t need to be afraid of me…I’ll stop if you want me to stop…I just wanna make love to you.

She said nothing and just laid there, picturing her favorite beach in her mind. His touches were so gentle and still…she felt so detached. Flashes in her mind…that night…the pain…the brutality and the feeling of dying…she felt overwhelmed and just blocked. He kissed her again, caressing her face wit his fingers.

-Carissa, baby…you have to relax a little…or it will be painful…the last thing I want is to hurt you. Just relax…I’ll do the rest…

She opened her eyes looking at him.

-Matteo…how will I feel? I don’t know how…how to…

He stopped her with a kiss and whispered in her ear : it will be alright…

She remembered the pain…but it wasn’t like her first time. The feeling of being forced…she decided to ignore it this time. To ignore everything, even the pain and to let him…He told her I love you and she felt like sitting by a fire. A sweet fire…she won’t get hurt if she’s not touching it, if she could keep the distance…

He put his arms around her, letting her cuddle in his arms. The drops of tears were falling on his arm.

-Sweetie…why are you crying? Come here…Carissa, what’s wrong, baby?

-I don’t know…

-You’re amazing in bed…just the way I want it…you make me so happy…I know it’s still painful to you, because it’s only the second time…but I adore you. When we’re making love, I feel you completely mine…and that’s the best feeling I ever had…

She smiled. Thinking she can do it…she can let him be happy while she’ll be far away. He wont know…

-Matteo…you think that, in time…the pain will be less sharp? And I’ll learn how to…you know…to…

He didn’t let her finish her question.

-Sweetie, I like you the way you are, there’s no need to learn anything at all. It’s something about you…just driving me crazy…Maybe because I feel you’re so helpless in my arms, or maybe because you’re giving yourself…I don’t know…but all you need to learn is to relax and to trust me. You think you can do it? Good…see? There’s no reason to cry…Now you need to sleep…

She took another sleeping pill and all went black. She imposed herself to be happy. Because he loves her and they just made love, like any other couple. Like a normal couple. Still…deep inside her heart she knew…she’s getting more and more far away from normality…”.

Dave: Do you understand now? 

Me: Yes…of course…you’re afraid. And I know all about being afraid. I used to live my life behind a safety glass…and now that I’m facing my fears, I’m expecting for everybody to do the same…But you’re safe, Dave…there’s no need to leave your cozy place by the fire…

With Pride and Dignity

Tags

breaking up, fear, fight, first time, frustration, love, pride, rejection, relationships, seduction, sex

Therapist: You created an image…a fictional character, if you wanna put it this way, and you felt in love with that image.

Me: That image broke into pieces too soon…but i still refused to accept that Alessio wasn’t that ideal man…

T.: Denial is sometimes a survival strategy, especially when we don’t see another one…I wanna know more about the moment when you started to wake up…

Me: It was in our last day together in his apartment, before going back to school…

“She was playing with his black curled hair thinking how handsome he looks in the morning light. He smiled…his playful smile and he caressed the traces from the white satin sleeves he just removed. He kissed her bare shoulders. She was biting her lower lip trying to remain relaxed and to focus on her feelings.

-Baby…you said you love me…tell me again…

-I love you, Alessio…

-And you trust me…you wanna make me happy…you wanna make me feel secure about us…

She nodded, feeling somehow exposed…she was fighting her inner voice who was telling her to stop. But she truly wanted to prove him that their love was real…

-Cari…you know how much i want you…we were made to be together, you’re my destiny…

He whispered the words trough kisses and she closed her eyes letting her body  decide…she felt like melting in his arms and she moaned softly when he took off her nightgown feeling the fine fabric slipping on her smooth skin. She suddenly realized…and the thought of being naked in front of him almost paralyzed her.

-I don’t…i’m not ready…

-If you love me…i want you to give yourself completely to me…i can feel you’re ready, your body cannot lie…just relax and make love to me…it’s all we need to be happy…

His fingers touched the sensitive skin near her bikini line and she froze. She was trying really hard to ignore her fear and her doubts. She promised him she’ll try…

-Wait…Alessio, i’m sorry…i do love you…something’s wrong with me, i know it…

-There’s nothing wrong…and i don’t wanna stop…you don’t want neither, you’re just afraid…so…close your eyes and let me take care of you…

She rolled to the other side and started to cry. He didn’t insisted and his cold silence made her feel so guilty.

-I’m sorry, Alessio, it’s my fault…i just don’t feel right…

-Of course, because we’re not married…but what if you wont be able to have sex after the wedding? Do you want me to live a life of frustrations? Do you think is normal? I mean, you’re my girlfriend but i can’t make love to you…who am i supposed to touch and kiss then?

She covered her ears and he took her hands making her listen.

-Look, Carissa, this is not right for neither one of us…I don’t wanna hurt you and i’m sorry that things turned out this way but i guess the moment wasn’t right for us…God…i don’t know how to say it to you but you and me…

She knew what he’s about to say and she thought she’s gonna die just hearing the words. He couldn’t…And then something changed inside her. Maybe because of the pressure or because of her desperation but she just put her dress on and her voice was cold and calm this time…

-I’ll save you from trouble, Alessio. I realize we’re over…it’s my fault, i know…I don’t wanna frustrate you anymore and i don’t wanna feel like a sexual object anymore. So i’m leaving…I’m grateful to you for these days, for not letting me in the street that night and i want you to know that i’ll return your favor.

He suddenly became pale.

-Cari…i…i didn’t meant it this way…

-I just want you to know that it wasn’t easy for me…all this time i felt like i’m not good enough for you. I tried to feel safe but i failed somehow. And i never felt loved…i only felt like you’re desperate to have sex with me…God knows why! I don’t understand it…being that perfect like you are, what the hell did you saw in me?

He tried to take her in his arms but she pushed him away.

-And do you know what’s truly terrifying, Alessio? I got this feeling that you want me only because i’m a virgin. Is true, isn’t it? What if…i’ll just go right now and have sex with the first guy who’ll want me? Our problem would be solved and, like you said…my body feels ready…And at least i wont have any expectations…But…hey, then i wont be able to fulfill your fantasy of sleeping to a virgin…Right?

He looked at her with the air of a drowned man in a deep need of being saved. Then it happened. He was kneeling in front of her with tears in his eyes.

-Carissa…i beg you…don’t leave me. If you do that…you wont find me alive tomorrow…I was wrong and i’m begging for your forgiveness…i swear i’ll kill myself if you leave me…

She tried to remain calm and cold but his words touched her deep inside. She took him in her arms holding him, caressing him like she’d do it to a scared child.

-Why, Alessio…after all the pain we caused to each other…why do you want me to be with you…

-Because no one loved me like you do! No one never ever looked at me with  so much admiration and so much adoration, like you do. No one! If you’ll go, you’ll take away the only pure and decent thing i still have in my life…Don’t do it, Cari…Don’t destroy me like this…

-Alessio…we both should just stop destroying each other…and start love each other…My prince…i know i’ll never love another man again…”.

Therapist: You lost something that day…

Me: My innocence…my dream…my love story that helped me survive during hard times…

T.: But there was something very strong waking up inside you right then…almost like the helpless little girl was replaced by a powerful woman. An amazing woman…

Me: Then why do i miss that helpless little girl so much? Why do i need and dream for someone to hold me tight and to make me feel safe again? 

I’ll do anything

Tags

17, Alessio, emotional abuse, falling in love, fear, first love, forbidden love, insecurity, making love, marriage, parents, revenge, secrets, seduction

Therapist: So…you told him you’ll do anything for him…did you really meant it?

Me: At that moment, i did. But my definition for “anything” was different from what he expected…

T.: Are we talking about sex?

Me: Sex is just a small part…it’s about changing something i never felt it’s wrong…my values…

“For the first time in months she felt relaxed. In a strange way, being alone with him in his apartment, was fascinating. She was lying in his arms, in bed, not knowing what will happen , not planning or controlling and this freedom was new. Refreshing…

-My love…Cari…i almost lost hope…You cannot imagine how much i suffered…you were in every thought, in every dream…When i rented the apartment, i imagined us in every corner…having breakfast together, taking a shower together…making love…Seeing you here is like winning a big reward…

She ran her fingers trough his curled hair and smiled happily.

-I suffered too…last time…

-Shhhsss…Last time i was a jerk…i want you to forget…to think that it was just a bad dream. Can you do this for me?

-I would do anything for you, Alessio…

He kissed her deep and passionate, his hands going slowly down on her body…the silky fabric of her nightgown felt thin and smooth, letting him feel the curves of her body. He kissed her neck, gently biting the soft skin, creating small goose bumps on her body…

-Alessio…

He stopped and looked in her eyes with a playful smile on his face.

-You said you’ll do anything…

-I know…i will, but…

-Relax, silly…i was just joking. I would never take advantage of your situation…and i’m kinda used to be rejected…Hey…i’m starving…that pizza must be done by now!

She was overwhelmed…knowing he cooked for her, knowing he cares and respects her. And he was the most handsome, intelligent and the best cooker of all times…

-Here you go! Pizza in bed! Because you have sweet delicate toes and i wanna massage them while you’re eating. To help you relax a little…Now…what’s with the tears?

-I’m just overwhelmed…Alessio, i love you so much…i’d be lost on an empty street, freezing if it weren’t for you…You brought me here, you baked pizza for me and…and you’re so sweet and loving and generous…

He felt disarmed. Not only she forgave him but she was more in love than ever.

-My future wife wont freeze on an empty street…Cari, when i left Palermo, the only city i could think about was Rome…and this apartment is for you…i want you to feel safe and loved here…Of course, i wouldn’t mind if my seduction talents could work this time…

He laugh and she thought he’s like a dream come true. A prince…a hero…her own…

-Alessio, you left Palermo for me…to be with me? Amore mio…

He suddenly became serious and his eyes darkened…She was afraid of that look. She put down the slice of pizza and took his hand, gently caressing his fingers, placing his hand on her cheek…He caressed her long hair.

-Amore…you know you can tell me anything…i’m by your side, no matter what. I wont ever do anything to hurt you…

-Alright…i’ll tell you the truth…i left Palermo because of your father. Cari…i lost my business, i’m almost broke…because of him. I know i was a fool in the first place…believing i could do anything in Palermo…I hate this guy. I hate everything it has to do with him…except for you…

She felt somehow responsible and she came closer to hold him tight. He was distant and that scared her. He continued with a tired voice.

-I was always convinced that you…his daughter…you must be some spoiled bitch and it was a shock to me…You’re sweet and innocent and…you’re almost like a princess from a fairy tell. I would never hurt you…

His words were spinning in her mind. She refused to give them a meaning but she couldn’t deny the facts.

-Cari, please say something…I know i should had told you long ago that my parents and your father had a business together…i came to Palermo decided to get back what belonged to my family…then i met you and i felt in love…Forgive me and, for God’s sake, say something! Your silence is killing me…

It was hard for her to formulate her ideas. Too much, too suddenly…

-On the bridge…remember that day…when you kissed me…it was all planned? Alessio…am i just used in your vendetta? I feel like a fool myself…i gotta know…you used me…were you just pretending to love me?

He took her in his arms, in spite of her attempt of pushing him away. He grabbed her hands making her stay still.

-Baby…just hear me out. That day on the bridge i knew who you are. But i swear…i kissed you because i felt in love at the first sight. You had tears in your eyes, my sweet…this vulnerability of yours made me melt inside. It still does…You do believe me, don’t you? I love you…i hate your father but, help me God, i love you…I lost everything because of your father…

She almost whispered.

-That makes two of us…

-What?!

She looked at him with an overwhelming sadness. Then he saw the tiny red line next to her upper lip and he suddenly froze.

-Cari…what happened to you? Did he…he hit you? But when…and how…Look at me…why, Cari?

-Because i was saying something about his Sicilian origins…he’s so proud of…We were fighting because he was outraged that i’m volunteering in the gypsy’s camp…He hit me and i was bleeding…the whole school knew. I never felt so ashamed in my entire life and i hated him…

She looked down visibly ashamed and frightened. He wanted to say something but he changed his mind. In stead, he took her face in his hands kissing gently the tiny mark and than he kissed every trace of tear on her face.

-It’s gonna be alright…baby, i promise you something…no one will never touch you like this…You just have to love me and listen to me…we’ll get married and we’re gonna move far away from him…You’ll never see your parents again…they hurt you enough, my love. I’ll take care of you…

She nodded like a scared child who would promise anything just to make it right.

He took her in his arms, kissing her hair and holding her tight till she felt asleep. He was awake during that night…thinking, planning…”.

Therapist: Maybe i’m missing something here…but, even with your lack of experience, you must had felt it…this wasn’t love…

Me: For me it was the only kind of love i ever knew. For the first time, someone was telling me he loves me. And i really didn’t had any other option.

T.: So…you loved him because you needed someone to love you and to take care of you…

Me: I know what you’re gonna tell me…i did the same with Ryan…

T.: You said it yourself…Cari, there will always gonna be someone willing to love you and to take care of you. That doesn’t mean you’re gonna be happy…

You know i do…(love you)!

Tags

17, Alessio, desire, fear, first love, first time, forbidden love, guilt, insecurity, making love, mind games, passion, seduction, sex, strategies

Therapist: And you went there decided to have sex with him?

Me: No, not at all! I went there decided to make love to the man i adored. He was the one planning to have sex…

T.: That’s nicely put…Tell me what happened.

“He looked around feeling proud…the apartment looked perfect: fresh flowers, clean sheets, fresh air, the bathroom ready in case they’ll take a shower. His shirt slightly open, in order for her too see his sculpted chest…

He repeated the strategy, there were two possibilities…He could promise her everything she wanted to hear…no, much too dangerous! That’s how drama start and he wasn’t in the mood for drama. The other choice was to play “the guilty card” telling her how hurt he was because she was conditioning their love…This is the perfect one! She’ll fall…it always worked with the good girls…

She was standing at his door trembling like a leaf. So many “what if” in her mind! What if he wont like her body? What if she wont know what to do? What if she’s totally untalented in bed? And what if she’ll get pregnant? Not to mention the pain…She decided to cancel all the “what if”! He was the man she loved and, like she was reading on the internet, all she needed was to relax and act natural.

-Cari! How long were you standing there? Please, come inside, your hands are so cold…

He took her in his arms, amazed once more by the smell of her hair and the touch of her skin. He planted small kissed on her cheeks and on her neck, knowing how much she loves them. She abandoned herself in his arms and for a moment he thought to lay her in bed and make love to her. But he didn’t wanted to rush things. Last time she ran scared…

-We need to talk, Cari…you cannot imagine how i felt seeing you running away from me…

-Amore mio…Alessio, i have something to tell you…

He stopped her from talking with a kiss. No…he wanted to apply the “guilt strategy” and not hear another set of moral rules or reclaims…

-Please, Alessio…i really need to say this…

-Of course, Principessa…if you must…

-I…was wrong…and you were right being so upset. I don’t know how to explain it to you…i never thought on putting a price on our love. Alessio, i don’t care about the wedding, i don’t care of anything…i don’t need the church’s blessing or a piece of paper in order to be yours. Cause i’m yours since the day i first saw you…and…

Her words were like knifes in his chest. He tried not to hear, not to listen, but it burned inside of him, reaching to a part of his heart he never revealed…She continued unaware of his torment.

…and i was stupid…i got scared because i love you so much and i’m afraid i’ll let you down. Now i know, i was the cruel one…conditioning you…i felt insecure and i got scared. Alessio…do you love me?

-You know i do…

-Then, that’s all i need to know…i wanna make love to you, i want you to be the first and it doesn’t matter what’s after…my heart is yours and nothing can change this…

She blushed thinking of what she just said. Her hands were still trembling when she got closer to him and took his face in her hands. Gently kissing him on his lips, running her fingers trough his curled hair, lowering her hand to feel his strong body…

His victory was bitter-sweet. She was there, in his bed, in his arms, ready to be his…and still the feeling wasn’t right. He didn’t had the chance to play…he felt like his game was turned into a love story. Or was it all the time? He couldn’t let this happen…The struggle inside him was almost over…she could have her fantasy and he will have sex…that simple! No more time to waist with words…

He almost pushed her on the bed, kissing her passionately, gently biting her lips, letting his hands to explore her body. He just wanted to get this over with, so it was a matter of seconds to undress her, to kiss her all over, to touch her there…He felt her hesitating…

She tried to ignore her thoughts, her fears…to concentrate only on her sensations, like she instinctively knew she needs to do…But when he kissed her, he could feel the salty taste of tears.

-What happened? Cari…

-Nothing…i like being with you like this…

He stopped and, for the first time that evening, he looked deep in her eyes.

-My love, why are you so afraid? You know i wont hurt you…

-I’m not afraid of you…i trust you…is just that…Alessio…is it very painful? The moment when…

The pain…Right in that moment, he realized he’s going to hurt her. She’s gonna feel pain. In her body and, later, in her heart. Because of him…He’s gonna take a place in her life, a place he felt he doesn’t deserve it. Her dream…the white wedding, her prince, her fantasy…suddenly he knew how unfair it would be to take it all away from her. And he felt the need to protect her…

-Alessio, i’m sorry…i want you…i’m sorry i got scared…

He took her in his arms and gently lifted the sleeves of her dress. He smiles and kissed her gently, touching her cheek with his fingers. She looked devastated…

-Cari, look into my eyes…there’s no need to look down or say i’m sorry. Why should you be sorry? For being the sweetest girl i ever met? Or for being honest and innocent? Or for loving me so much…for loving someone who doesn’t even deserve a second glance from you. I’m sorry…i’ll never hurt you this way…never again…

-You’re…leaving me? Please, don’t…

-Angelli…my angel, could a blind man leave the light once he saw it? How could i leave you when i’m starting to feel again? Like a dead brought back to life…That’s your miracle, that’s what you did with me…You know that dream of yours? I’m imagining you in a long white dress and my heart melts inside. Let me give that to you…let me make it true…for us, my love…Because i love you…

And for the first time he really meant it.”

Therapist: Don’t wanna be cynical but it sounds like he switched from strategy 2 to strategy 1. Promises…telling you what you dreamed to hear.

Me: I think he was honest…maybe out of guilt but i really felt he mean what he said. And i still regret…

T.: Not starting your sex life with him? 

Me: I regret all those times when my fears ruled my life. That’s all… 

Unhesitatingly

Tags

17, Alessio, desire, first love, forbidden love, love, making love, passion, rejection, seduction, sex, tears, teenager, the sea

Therapist: Ten years difference between you and Alessio…and that was never a problem? He was actually a grow-up man with ideas, desires and projects…

Me: The difference of age was a big problem indeed…He never spoke to me about serious stuff…politics, business, not even his own business…it was frustrating because it felt like he’s not trusting me. And i believe it was also frustrating to him too…because he was used to have other type of relationships.

T.: This is exactly what i’m about to ask you. Your life experience was nearly zero…What was the worst moment?

Me: The worst…when we broke up, for almost two days…it felt like eternity to me…

“She admired the heart shaped necklace, a first gift from him. She wasn’t used to wear jewelry and it was a little overwhelming but he told her that gold is forever and white gold is the color of her heart. She believed every single word and when he placed the necklace around her neck, small goose bumps appeared on her skin. He saw them and smiled.

-So, your grandmother knows about us and she’s ok with this? She’s gonna help you with your parents?

-Yes, i told her all about us! And she already told to mom and dad that she needs me every day to help her clean the house…You know, i go to her in jeans and there i take on the clothes i’m wearing with you. She knows how much we love each other…

-She’s an amazing lady…i guess you got that feature from her…Cari, we have a few hours, let’s make the best of them. Let’s go somewhere less crowded…

She looked at him with a feeling of adoration, she loved when he was guiding her, showing her the most romantic places, the ones where the sea had the color of her eyes and the wind was playing with his curled hair. This place was the same and being alone with him on the beach made her imagine how Paradise must look…

-Here…my love, what do you think about this place? You know how many times i walked on here alone, imagining i’m with you…the most beautiful girl in the entire world. I wanna lay with you on the sand…

The sand was still warm and soft and she let a soft moan escape trough her lips when he took her in his arms, laying her by his side. She never felt so close to him…to anybody else before. He placed small kisses on her lips, caressing her hair, sending warm shivers trough her body.

She closed her eyes when he kissed her deep and hungrily, feeling her entire body responding to the intensity of the feeling. His lips were devouring her neck, kissing, gently biting, making her tremble. He was using his hands to unbutton her dress still kissing her passionately. She knew intuitively what he wanted…but something inside her just panicked. His hands were slowly lifting her skirt, touching her inner tights. She blocked his hands…

He stopped for a moment to look in her eyes. He saw the panic and tried to reassure her…For him it was something natural, he never considered this a platonic relationship. Kissing, walking hand in hand…were part of seduction.

-Cari, please don’t be afraid of me…you know how much i love you…you know how i want you right now…don’t you feel the same? Your skin is so soft and you smell so good, i just wanna take of this dress of yours and kiss you all over…

-I love you too…but…Alessio…what if someone will see us? I mean…i’m…we’re in public…

She realized she just said a stupid obvious thing, but it was the first thought formed in her mind. He smiled…somehow, that was the line he was expecting. Of course, not in public…

-Well…you see the coincidence…my apartment is very close to this place. What if we’ll go there…you know, i would never allow a stranger to look at my amazingly beautiful girlfriend…And i wanna make love to you slowly…on a soft sheet, not here…

Her heart almost jumped out of her chest. He called her “my girlfriend”! And he wants…the thought seemed to much for her mind…She didn’t knew what to say, how to say…she was afraid to go there and she was afraid to reject him.

-I can’t…

-Why, Cari? You don’t trust me? Or you don’t love me? Maybe both…

-No…no, it’s not that…I don’t feel ready…i always thought i’ll marry in a white dress and my first time will be on the wedding night. I love you so much, Alessio, but…can’t we wait?

-Wait? What for? Oh, i understand…so, the only way you’re gonna make love to me is if we get married? You’re rejecting me because you have a fantasy with a white dress and some prince who’s gonna wait for you forever…Let me tell you something, Carissa…when we start dating i thought i’m in love with a woman, but i realize you’re just a child…a sweet girl who doesn’t even know what she wants!

His tone was harsh, filled with anger and frustration. It was too much…she just burst into tears. She wanted to take back her words, to tell him how much she wants him too, but all she could do was crying.

-Come on. Stop crying, nothing happened…I’ll take you home…

-Ale…ssio…I…would…make…love to y…ou…Un-he-si-ta-tin-gly…but…i…no, you…you’re so…crue..l…and now…the…things…you told me…No…let me…go!

She ran without even knowing if he understood her. Her last words were said between tears and she hated being so ungraceful. She made sure her tears were dried when she arrived at her grandmother’s house. She was still wearing her necklace, the little heart…now her only connection to him…And she knew how long and dark will be the night…”

Therapist: If you could go back in time, what would you say to the girl you used to be? A 17 years old girl, hurting so much because she didn’t knew the difference between being seduced and being loved…

Me: I don’t know…maybe i would just take her in my arms and tell her: is gonna be alright…you’re going to find real love and one day, maybe, destiny will turn the wheel. 

T.: Now the wheel is turned. And you’re wearing the heart-shaped necklace. Does this mean…

Me: It means nothing! Nothing at all…cause he is in love with that sweet innocent girl…he has no idea who i really am…who’s the woman he thinks he loves…