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Dave: Remember when we walked in the rain? And everyone else around us were hurrying…only you stopped and looked up to the sky…

Me: I remember…the rain had a sweet taste. People say that rainy days are grey but that nuance has something warm…if you look closely. I always loved the rain while everyone around me were waiting for the sun… 

Dave: And now I’m waiting for you. For a sweet rain that will wash away the cruel sun…for a warm grey sky…

Me: Why cruel? Light is never cruel…

Dave: Because in the light of the morning sun, I can see it clearly…I cannot pretend that you’re here…The light is cruel because it shows me the emptiness without you.

March 2014, one year ago

The morning sky had pink traces and I smile to the clouds above. Is seven in the morning and I feel beautiful…I know I’m brave to wear high heels and a short skirt in a rainy day, but when I see myself in the mirror I know is the right choice. The skirt is blue, like his eyes and has fine dark grey lines like the sky above…

I’m trying to catch his eyes, searching for…approval? admiration? desire?…I hear the wind outside and I’m making a funny remark…but he’s not looking at me. He’s stressed and he’s hurrying and Chrissy is already at the door. I’m taking my purse and walk proud on my high heels…

-What’s this? Go change! You’re not going to classes dressed like this. Go, now, we’re running late!

I’m convincing myself that he’s talking to Chrissy…but he’s slowly pushing me back to the dressing room.

-Jeans and a sweater. Is cold outside, it will probably rain. And something to keep your feet warm.

Chrissy has a pleading look in her eyes and I know she’s afraid of fights. I know how she feels, how helpless and hurt can a child feel…and I don’t want her to be afraid. She’s taking my hand and says in a soft voice “please, Cari, I’ll be late…” And I can read in her heart, I can feel the pain behind her words…

I’m looking in his eyes. Straight in his eyes. He’s always saying that when I look at him like this I’m piercing his heart. This time it’s exactly what I want.

-Let me alone so I can change. You said you’re in a big rush, right?

I’m taking the jeans and the sweater and my bottom lip is trembling. No, don’t cry. Warriors don’t cry like babies whenever they dislike something. But my moves are robotic and I’m taking my skirt and my high heels with me…hidden in the purse…just like my heart is now hidden…

And somehow I still find the strength to smile at Chrissy. To hug her and to wish her a great day at school. She’s rewarding me with the sweetest smile and the most loving embrace. But my bottom lip is still trembling…and when she leaves the car I can’t pretend anymore. I’m crying on the rhythm of the music from the radio. He sees me crying and says nothing. And I wipe away my tears.

-Thanks for driving me to school.

-Wait…Cari…don’t leave like this. Don’t cry…I’m sorry for…

-For telling me what to wear? For telling me what to eat? For controlling my life like I’m some object of yours? Stop wasting your time, you’re not sorry. But you will be, I promise you that!

And just like that…I’m threatening him. Just like that…the darkness of the sky has made it’s way to my soul. And I can’t recognize myself! And I don’t like myself anymore! And…I’m not myself anymore…

And I’m running with tears streaming down my face. Running in the wrong direction. I can’t go to school and I can’t go back…And the phone keeps making that annoying sound that Ryan chose…and I answer and I cry. And I say “take me home…just take me home”.

An hour later, I’m home. His home. Wearing my short skirt and the high heels. Eating chocolate ice cream Listening to the sound of rain and letting him to wipe away my tears. He thinks I’m listening to him, but I’m lost somewhere in the darkness.

He’s telling me things that I can’t understand. That he and my dad are now business partners…that he’s thinking of buying a house in Palermo…and move back…back home…

-Alessio…I feel so tired…

-You are tired, amore…I can’t believe how he’s treating you…You should be his wife, not his slave…and the way he always makes you feel inferior…you deserve more…

-I love him…

-No, you don’t. You were lonely and scared and he took advantage. Come back home with me. Your father will help us build our own business…he changed so much…

I’m playing with my wedding ring and I feel dizzy. I’m in the wrong place…yes, I need to go home. I need to go back to my husband and to fix things. Maybe is my turn to make some rules…to repair some misunderstanding…to start from zero…

-Look at me! Is easier than you think!

He’s grabbing my ring…my wedding ring…I see it shining in his hand. For the last time…He opens the window and I see it falling in the dirt. It’s raining and is mud…my beautiful wedding ring…I almost jump to catch it, but he grabs my hands, holding me tight. I’m crying rivers of tears deep inside my heart and he doesn’t know, he doesn’t feel…He’s pressing my body against the wall and he’s kissing me…and I’m struggling in pain…my heart aches while he’s convinced that he’s saving me from my own denial…

He’s letting me loose and I push him, running down the stairs. My eyes are foggy from the tears, I wanna find my wedding ring, I wanna find my way back…

Dark. Someone is caressing my hair. Is warm and safe and when I open my eyes the light above me is white.

-It’s alright, baby…

-I’m…so…sorry, Ryan…forgive me…Where? What happen?

-Sssshhhhhtttt…there’s nothing to forgive. You’re at the hospital…you fell from the stairs, I think it happen at school, right? The good new is that you don’t have a fracture…only the tendons are affected, that’s why is so painful…

-And the bad new?

-Well…you’ll be staying home in bed for a while. No high heels, no pretty dresses. Just a nice soft pajama…and me. Spoiling you like I never spoiled no one before. Like I should have done it from the first day I met you. Cari, baby…this is all my fault…

I’m softly smiling, the pain doesn’t matter anymore.

-I’m sorry too…I acted like crazy this morning…and you were right, it was cold outside. But me…more stubborn than ever…Oh, Ryan…my wedding ring…

-It slipped away, probably. The guy who brought you to the hospital, I think his name is Alessio…is he a colleague of yours?

I’m lacking air. Is the pain…

-I don’t remember…I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…

-Baby…you probably don’t even know him. He said you fell at school because the outdoor stairs were slippery…I was just curious, that’s all.

He’s gently caressing my cheek…and the guilt inside is burning my heart…

-Can we go home? Please, Ryan…I know I’d feel much better at home…

-Yes, baby, let’s go home. My wounded princess…

 

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