“-You attract the bad in people…the dark side. Just like a monster…a monster…
-No…Ryan…no, I’m not a monster…I’m not!”
I’m not…the last echos of my nightmare are still screaming deep in my mind…and I can’t stop myself from shaking. Have I done this? Do I deserve to be loved…knowing that every time I’m repeating the same old script. A monster…that’s how he called me…
Is 4 in the morning and Dave is sleeping. He left everything to be with me…in a world he cannot understand. He’s smiling in his sleep and I know I can make him happy. For now..but for how long? How long till he’ll call me “a monster” too?
I lean over to kiss him gently…I don’t wanna wake him up. All I want is to run away. To leave before everything will become dark and ugly. I feel the panic building up inside my heart. But I did this before. Why is it so hard this time?
I’m speaking in a soft voice…he’ll hear me in his sleep. His mind wont remember, but his heart will. He will know why and he’ll find peace…
-Dave…I love you…I should have told you this when you were awake…but I was afraid. My love is poison and I can’t do this to you. I’m not leaving you, I’m leaving myself…OK, I know it doesn’t make any sense at all…but if I’ll stay…I’m sorry, I have to go…
I turn around and cry. Hot salty tears…I look at him for the last time…
-Please…don’t let me go…No, I’m sorry, this is for the best…Goodbye…
His strong arms pulling me close to him and right now I’m looking in his eyes. It only took him a second to get me back into the warm bed…
-There is no chance…absolutely no chance for you to run away!
-You heard? Ohhh…you were awake? You heard everything?
-Every single word. I should be mad as hell…
-I’m sorry…I don’t know what happen to me. I just panicked…
-Look at me, Carissa. You know who’s your worst enemy? Your past? Your fears? Your traumas? Your parents and the fact that you never felt loved or accepted?
-Don’t be cruel, Dave…you know me too well to even ask…Is all of these…
-Right now, you’re your worst enemy. You wanna punish yourself because, deep inside your mind, you created this illusion about you being guilty. Because being guilty means being responsible. And that means being in control. One thing you never had, right? That’s the real issue.
-I thought we agreed that you’re not my therapist…just my boyfriend…
-Your way of avoiding is only confirming my beliefs. I wanna be your boyfriend, believe me. I wanna be more than that…God…is 4 in the morning, Cari! I’d rather sleep, I’d rather make love to you, I’d rather warm up these cold feet of yours…
-Than analyzing my crazy behavior? You’re right, Dave…in all you said…
-If I’m right…stay. Stay and face your problems. Your shadows. Your nightmares. Don’t cry..there’s a whole world outside…full of people who’ll like you if you give them a chance. And yes, some will hate you…some will try to harm you. Will you run away every time?
-No, I wont…I’ll stay, Dave. For…as long as you want me. I love you and…we’re starting a new life. You changed your life for me…it’s scary…
-It’s love. Just love.
…
My dear friends, there are so many things left unsaid…But some stories are meant to be lived, not written. Thank you for all the beautiful comments, for all your support. It changed my life. I’m not running away this time…I’m just starting to live, truly live my life in present, in reality, in love.
Carissa
Carissa's world 
Reblogged this on SURVIVORS BLOG HERE.
There’s so much about this dialogue I love. It’s so honest and there’s this real confrontation, a face-to-face, that arises not just out of supposing that Dave was sleeping, but with an honest desire to speak directly to one’s heart. I love how this dialogue is written. I seem to feel a lot of hope that this relationship will turn out well ❤
Thank you for your warm message…I feel with my heart and soul that all my struggles were meant to bring me here…into the arms of true love.
Hugs,
Carissa
Dearest Cari
I feel nervous thoughts, already knowing the next step. Not wanting to hurt you stay again until you are strong enough to walk away.
I hope your last trip went as planned, hopefully you’ll stay home and relax awhile.
I’m here if you need me.
Hugs
M
Thank you so much, this light and love I’m always receiving trough your messages is amazing and it changed my life, simply by giving me courage. And if home means where my heart belongs, then yes…I’m in the right place.
Hugs…I’ll be here too, even if I’ll stop writing on the blog for a while, I’ll read and I’ll pray…and I do wanna write a book one day, just like you always encouraged me.
Love,
Cari
Are you safe?
Safe and loved ❤
Cari
I have no doubt you have enough experiences and creativity to write several books.
I pray you’re safe and happy. Happy in your heart and where you want to be. I would love to hear from you msandorm@verizon.net while you take a break.
I can’t remember if I told you, I’ve reached a life dream. I started a charity The Pud’n Cup Charity. Pud was my nick name from gramps.
You’ve given me a peak inside a loving heart and starting the charity shows my heart. I worry about you.
I love you
Hugs
Melinda
I’m so touched by your words…and the charity that you started is wonderful! It really shows your beautiful, pure and loving heart! Your initiative is inspired by our Heavenly Father and I know you’ll be blessed with so much love, joy and healing.
As for me, I am safe, but I went trough so much. Too much…and I think I need time to find my own peace of mind. Writing was a very helpful experience…I feel like belonging to a family here…a family made of all the amazing souls I met along my journey. You’re a part of my spiritual family and I love you! So, I’ll keep you safe in my heart forever.
Hugs you tight, sending you all the warmth of the Mediterranean Sun 😉
Cari
Stay on the course ahead, no matter what! Stay in love.
Thank you! This time, more than ever, I will. Every day, step by step, overcoming fears and doubts and insecurities. And that’s the real victory!
Carissa
Very well written, I was in your corner the whole time, I am so glad Dave woke up! The romantic in me cannot stand goodbyes. And yes, Control. that is precisely my issue as well. I want to have control over my life and emotions. And with a mood disorder, that’s difficult sometimes… But I am doing it 🙂 Hugs to you and best wishes for your life!
Thank you! One of the things that helped me during my latest inner storms was an advice (from Dave, yes) that sounded like “be gentle with your heart, don’t control it, just love it with all its imperfections”. I repeated this to myself so many times…and I wanted to share it with you.
Hugs and many blessings!
Carissa
Great! I am so proud of you Cari and running isn’t a solution because these problems haunt us till we face them and Dave’s advice was soothing with warmth and love! Wow! I am so happy reading this 🙂
Take care!
Thank you so much! I’m honored and grateful for your words…I promised myself that I wont run away this time. Facing the most haunting fears and overcoming them, that’s the plan 🙂
Hugs,
Carissa
that’s so wonderful! You are strong and keep your spirits high! 🙂 I know you have made this far and the journey ahead is now smooth darling! just stay happy 🙂
Cari listen! I wrote some few blog posts when you weren’t around..Just have a look and see If I am improving 🙂
Iz true Carissa…. everyone loves you. And Iz true we miss your love, shown in the way you affect our hearts, with your poignant and significant words
Lazza x
Thank you…you brought tears into my eyes. Your message reached to a part of my heart that I thought it’s closed forever. Your name reminds me of a dear friend from a world I left behind. I miss him and I’m always wondering if he’s ok, if he’s happy. If you’re that person…just know that I miss you terribly. Just know that I left crying and heartbroken…If not, please forgive my confusion and accept a warm virtual hug for your touching words.
Cari
Carrisa, Just always be here. Whenever you write it’s a reminder of how much I value your friendship. Now it feels as though you’re a part of me….. A side or facet that can’t be replaced. Do you know what I mean? It’s that bit within each person that holds on to positivity. If you do stop writing here in order to write a book, please let me know.
Your friend,
Lazz
I know, what you mean, Lazz…everything we shared, all the little things, your friendship, the way you are…all stayed deep within my heart. No one can take this away from me, because you’re a part of me too. And please, be careful with your heart, is a very precious one…The world where we met is a place of danger…love, friendship, even your soul aren’t safe…I learned it the hard way.
Hugs you tight! I’ll always care for you…
Carissa
You have expressed my every day battle inside and out precisely Carissa. My prayers and hopes go up for your story to continue moving forward with happiness and growth. We share so much words can’t begin to express. I literally cried reading this just now.
My prayers are with you, along with my gratitude and my admiration! In my eyes, you’re already a winner and I know that all the struggle inside you will only make you stronger…and one day you (and me) will only cry happy tears…
A warm hug (and thank you),
Carissa
Carissa, thank you for sharing your journey with us. Never forget you are a strong and courageous woman to have gone through all of this and to have come out stronger and even more full of love. I feel blessed to know you and you have given me more courage to live my own life. I hope we can stay in touch. Blessings as you journey on!
Thank you so much, Roland! You can’t imagine how much you inspired me, trough your life story, trough faith and the beautiful way you’re living your life. It helped me realize that, trough faith and love, I can find courage to face…almost anything.
You’re a blessing and an inspiration for me and I pray that you’ll keep touching people’s hearts like you did with mine…Hugs and wishes of love, health and joy for you and your lovely wife!
Carissa
That is really so sweet of you and positive attitude 🙂 ❤
Thank you ❤
Just beautiful…
Thank you!
wow…. creativity at it’s best…
Regards:
James
Cari,
Why have you stopped writing? Are you ok?
All well? I have not seen you in a while
It’s been so long since I’ve logged in….so many reasons behind it. I just want to let you know I sat up all night catching up on your stories❤ this really needs to be a book. Love you!