Tags
aggresivity, aggressors, attack, fear, friendship, knife, love, protection, revenge, terror, threats
Dave: It’s never too late and it’s never in vain. But only you can decide when is too much for you to bare.
Me: I already decided. It’s not easy for me and he wont make it easier. But I’ll face the problems one by one.
Dave: Cari, Alessio will do anything in his power to undermine your marriage. He has nothing to lose. And he’s fooling himself that he’s doing everything in the name of love. And you think you’re protecting Ryan…but the only real protection here would be the truth.
Me: Again…this truth everybody is so crazy about…already destroyed too many lives. So, no thanks…I will do things my way…
“She tried to breath but something was pressing her neck making her choke and suffocate. Her first thought was that she’ll die. In the darkness of the room, she could only see a black shadow sitting on the edge of her bed. Not a single sound, only her fastened breath in a desperate search of air and life.
She tried to organize her thoughts. Think fast. Don’t struggle, you’ll only waist essential oxygen. Random rules from all the documentaries she watched about surviving. But none of those rules could help her now. It wasn’t something, it was someone. Someone trying to suffocate her.
The adrenaline rushed trough her body and she was completely awake in seconds. A terrible way of being awake. She tried to push him away using her nails to scratch his skin. Not strong enough to escape. Still, the marks she probably left took him by surprise. He let loose her neck, concentrating on immobilizing her hands. She took a long and deep breath and tried to talk.
-Wh…who are you…why…
A steaming pain on her face and she realized that he’s hitting her. She could feel the taste of blood from her own lips. He suddenly stopped.
-Take the money…take everything…just don’t kill me…don’t hit me…
His voice sounded harsh and metallic.
-Don’t be stupid. You have no money. Your boyfriend messed with the wrong people, Carissa.
Hearing him speaking, using her name was almost a relief. But his words weren’t relieving at all.
-Now that you said it…there is something I could take. Maybe we should have some fun…before using this on your pretty face.
She saw the reflection on the window and she felt the coldness of the blade. Her terror increased when she heard a second voice, a few feet away.
-There’s no time for this, Aldo. Do I really have to do everything…give me that knife…I’ll make sure he’ll get the point. That bastard will know better next time.
She started to cry in desperation.
-Who? What point? You’re confounding me, I don’t have a boyfriend! I don’t know what you’re talking about!
The second voice kept the silence, processing her words.
-If I’m confounding you, well…I guess you have a terrible bad luck, girl. You know, for someone who tries to fool me…he’s a real dummy…finding you was so easy…boringly easy…I guess that’s what you get when you’re dealing with retards! Such a waste…
-No, wait! If you’re talking about Matteo…
-What Matteo…I’m talking about Alessio…the bastard who took my money! OK, enough talking…
-But he’s not…we’re not…anymore…
She couldn’t focus anymore. Realizing there’s nothing she can say or do. She heard someone’s voice down the corridor and she started to scream as loud as she could. The door pushed away, the sound of a punch, someone falling…She couldn’t remember the next minutes, the shock ad the fear were too much…
A warm blanket and his warm voice. His arms around her.
-It’s alright, Cari…Police it’s on its way. I called the Ambulance too. Please, talk to me, Sunshine…
-Dani, thanks God you’re here…You’re hurt…ohhhh…you’re bleading…you saved my life.
-It’s my fault, Cari. Mine and only! I took you to this motel, I exposed you to those robbers…I’m the only one to blame for this…I hate myself! I hate being so helpless!
-No, Dani…don’t…I didn’t wanted to go to the boarding school and I had no place to sleep and no money…you’re a hero…I would be death without you. Dani…they knew about me…from Alessio, they were hurting me on purpose, to send a message to Alessio…
She told him everything, still in shock, still in terror. He held her close and she could hear his heart. He had warm hands, caressing her bruised face, gently exploring the small cuts on her neck.
-Dani…I’m giving up…I can’t live like this anymore…
-What are you saying, Sunshine?
-I’m going back to Palermo, back to my parents. I’ll do what they decide for me.
-NO! Never! They don’t love you! Remember when your father came to school and slapped your face in public! Remember when your mother threatened you. They can’t love you…they only know about hate…
-It’s only hate, anyway, Dani! Love doesn’t exists…it’s just hate. A hate so strong, so powerful that it’s killing me…Look what these people did…
She showed him the cuts and the bruises. She continued.
-It’s not just that…Alessio…he messed things and he left…he didn’t even cared what will happen to me after…and Matteo…do you know that his parents don’t even talk to me anymore since we broke up. Luisa…I loved her…she had so much hate in her eyes…and Leah, my friend…she was so cruel, telling me that I don’t deserve someone like Matteo…with so much hate…after all I’ve done for her…Only hate…
-Please stop, Sunshine…I know how to make it right. I will love you…I will live for you. If we love each other, our love will be stronger than their hate. We’ll finish high school and we’ll move somewhere…you and me, I’m ready to give everything for you…
-Your life, Dani…you wanted to become a priest, remember? To support your family, to raise your little sisters…And I don’t…
He cupped her face.
-Don’t say the words. I know. I never even dared to dream…that you’ll love me. I have nothing to offer you, I’m poor, I’m an average guy, not even handsome…I’m not that smart and I didn’t traveled trough Europe like you did…But right now, I’m more that nothing. Am I not? My love isn’t better than their hate?
-It is…I’m sorry, Dani…for being like that…
-You’re perfect. A princess. I’m not asking you to love me. I’m asking you to let me love you.
-Yes.
-Alright, Sunshine…then it’s settled. You and me…I’ll move mountains, Cari…just to keep you happy.
The Police came and a doctor took care of her wounds. She convinced herself that she’s safe. Loved and safe. She looked at Daniele who was smiling so happy. “Please, God, don’t let me destroy him like I did to myself”. ”
Dave: You never had the chance to be on your own…that can be scary…
Me: I always felt helpless. And there was always someone stronger, willing to protect me.
Dave: Like I said…you decide when is too much to bare…protecting or suffocating you, love or hate…make your decisions and re-define your beliefs…or your past will repeat.
Carissa's world 
Dearest Cari,
This post hit home in many ways. The times I’ve gone thru life thinking a person was helping only to find out different. People I loved were not capable of loving me. I also try to take care of people, no malice, the caregiver in me wants to take the pain away. I can see where it would be so easy to fall into the care of another and in the end their intentions are not what you believed. I know you are in this story, it’s difficult to think of the pain you’ve been thru. My hope is you are now on the other side, your heart not filled with rage and you have rebuilt your life you want to live.You making all the decisions. I know you are a very strong person. I know you are a caring person. I hope you are happy.
Hugs 🙂
M
It means so much to me knowing that you understand, you truly understand…I still wake up from every sound, every flash of light…re-living the same horror. The seconds till I realize it’s only in my mind…seem to last an eternity. I don’t think it will ever go away. I used to believe that I can’t be loved…my therapist said it was a “self-fulfilled prophecy” meaning that I only fall in love with people with serious emotional blockages. Thinking about my experiences, it’s probably truth.
Thank you…I admire you a lot and there are no words to express how much you’re helping me just being here and carrying…It will take a lifetime of therapy to overcome this feeling of being helpless, but at least now I have what I always dreamed: a family. I’m getting stronger for them too.
My prayers and my warmest thoughts are with you every day.
Hugs (and Happy Labor Day 🙂 ),
Cari
Dearest Cari,
Most people with issues with that level of pain have backgrounds they mimic for many reasons. I didn’t feel I deserved someone like I imagined in my mind.
I didn’t have confidence and had never felt in charge of my life. God took my hand and gave me the strength to say this is the type of relationship I want and directed me how to find the person over time. I was told by my mother all the time how stupid I was. I came to believe it. My way to overcome the baggage, I took several courses at the local college. Being around people who I thought were smarter made me realize I was as smart. It was a small step. I had to take many small steps to build my confidence, just to have an intelligent conversation. It felt great to shake all the baggage she put on my back. There are areas that are a work in progress, I think that is called life. You’re a very strong person, you survived the darkness in your life. I have no doubt you will reach a point of comfort.
Hugs 🙂
M
I discovered you.This post moved me, sometimes the pain remains as an imprint. It takes time to find inner peace.
Have a nice day
Thank you, your kindness means so much to me! We’re all carrying our wounds and scars deep inside our hearts, but with faith and love comes the healing. I’m honored that you liked my post, I’m always finding so much strength and inner peace in your writings.
Carissa
may be i would have told u this earlier also, but I’ll just say again, u r d bravest girl I’d ever known. sometimes we feel that we can’t take it any more, we r so tired, exhausted, this travesty drive us insane, every reason for being alive is gone, but then we still have to live , built our lives, and dat is d most difficult task.
and u , who have gone through this all pains or in fact every type of pain, have tried to go on, is really inspirational.
reading ur blogs make me feel how little my pain was.
u r gr8 Carissa, u r just superb…
My dear friend Mohit, so many times I thought about you the same way, that you’re brave and honest and with such a beautiful and generous heart. Your words are honoring me and you truly are a source of light to me.
And you know just like I know…people can disappoint, love can hurt, life isn’t perfect or joyful but the only choice we have is to keep loving and to keep living. You were hurt too…I empathize so much with your pain and I admire the way you chose to express it…And there will be Love in your life, I believe it and I’m sending all my prayers to God above to lighten your life.
Thank you, I’m grateful for your words and for having you in my life!
Carissa
thank u so much, Carissa
Always a pleasure catching up with you, Carissa. Very creative writing here. Rock On!
Regards: James
Thank you, James! Very kind of you and I appreciate it.
Carissa
Keep in touch dear.