I swear I wont cry (this isn’t goodbye…)

“-You attract the bad in people…the dark side. Just like a monster…a monster…

-No…Ryan…no, I’m not a monster…I’m not!”

I’m not…the last echos of my nightmare are still screaming deep in my mind…and I can’t stop myself from shaking. Have I done this? Do I deserve to be loved…knowing that every time I’m repeating the same old script. A monster…that’s how he called me…

Is 4 in the morning and Dave is sleeping. He left everything to be with me…in a world he cannot understand. He’s smiling in his sleep and I know I can make him happy. For now..but for how long? How long till he’ll call me “a monster” too?

I lean over to kiss him gently…I don’t wanna wake him up. All I want is to run away. To leave before everything will become dark and ugly. I feel the panic building up inside my heart. But I did this before. Why is it so hard this time?

I’m speaking in a soft voice…he’ll hear me in his sleep. His mind wont remember, but his heart will. He will know why and he’ll find peace…

-Dave…I love you…I should have told you this when you were awake…but I was afraid. My love is poison and I can’t do this to you. I’m not leaving you, I’m leaving myself…OK, I know it doesn’t make any sense at all…but if I’ll stay…I’m sorry, I have to go…

I turn around and cry. Hot salty tears…I look at him for the last time…

-Please…don’t let me go…No, I’m sorry, this is for the best…Goodbye…

His strong arms pulling me close to him and right now I’m looking in his eyes. It only took him a second to get me back into the warm bed…

-There is no chance…absolutely no chance for you to run away!

-You heard? Ohhh…you were awake? You heard everything?

-Every single word. I should be mad as hell…

-I’m sorry…I don’t know what happen to me. I just panicked…

-Look at me, Carissa. You know who’s your worst enemy? Your past? Your fears? Your traumas? Your parents and the fact that you never felt loved or accepted?

-Don’t be cruel, Dave…you know me too well to even ask…Is all of these…

-Right now, you’re your worst enemy. You wanna punish yourself because, deep inside your mind, you created this illusion about you being guilty. Because being guilty means being responsible. And that means being in control. One thing you never had, right? That’s the real issue.

-I thought we agreed that you’re not my therapist…just my boyfriend…

-Your way of avoiding is only confirming my beliefs. I wanna be your boyfriend, believe me. I wanna be more than that…God…is 4 in the morning, Cari! I’d rather sleep, I’d rather make love to you, I’d rather warm up these cold feet of yours…

-Than analyzing my crazy behavior? You’re right, Dave…in all you said…

-If I’m right…stay. Stay and face your problems. Your shadows. Your nightmares. Don’t cry..there’s a whole world outside…full of people who’ll like you if you give them a chance. And yes, some will hate you…some will try to harm you. Will you run away every time?

-No, I wont…I’ll stay, Dave. For…as long as you want me. I love you and…we’re starting a new life. You changed your life for me…it’s scary…

-It’s love. Just love.

…

My dear friends, there are so many things left unsaid…But some stories are meant to be lived, not written. Thank you for all the beautiful comments, for all your support. It changed my life. I’m not running away this time…I’m just starting to live, truly live my life in present, in reality, in love.

Carissa

I guess it’s gonna have to hurt…

Tags

abuse, circle of abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, falling in love, fears, new relationship, physical abuse, trauma

A few days ago…

The salty air never felt more fresh on my skin…here I am, back again…my beloved, wild and sweet Palermo and this beach where it all started…It’s cold and I’m trembling…and I have so many things to let go…

He puts his arms around me and the warmth of his embrace overwhelms me. He’s wearing a white shirt, just like in that day when I first met him. I’m letting myself fall…in his arms, in this relationship…in love…

He told me once…and his words are still haunting me…”If you have to fall…fall for someone who loves you…fall for me…” But how could I even consider falling as my best choice…when I thought I’m flying high?

-Why have you run away, Cari…

-You were sleeping and I wanted to take a walk…

He smiles and I know this smile…He stops me. “No more lies. You are safe now and you can tell me the truth.”

-Months…months without seeing you, without the hope of seeing you again.

-I didn’t wanted to be found, Dave. I needed time and space…to heal…At first, every night I fell asleep crying and all my dreams were nightmares. I was afraid, so afraid…You were the only one I wanted to talk to…and I still can’t believe you’re here with me, helping me, bringing me home…

He’s holding me tight and I know I’m safe. I feel I’m safe.

-Dave, I wasn’t honest with you…and I have to tell you everything now…and it’s hard and I know I’ll cry, but please don’t ask me to stop…It’s gonna hurt me even after all this time…so, just be patient with me…

He’s kissing my hair and I can feel his heart beating so fast. And his voice whispering in my ear “It’s alright, only if you feel ready…I didn’t traveled half world to interrogate you…I came to give you my support, my friendship, my love…”

I look at the sea, is tormented just like my heart. I need to say the truth and to find some peace within me…

-I…I was too proud to tell, too proud to ask for help…I gave him a chance and I thought we would be happy this time…First time…he said I make him angry like no one before…and I’m attracting the dark side of people. And I believed him. I believed him when he said it’s my fault. I wanted to be my fault…because I can change myself but I cannot change him…

He’s turning me around to look into my eyes. And I can’t…the hurt I see inside his heart…

-First time, Cari? First time? Are you telling me that…

-It was always wonderful right after…he was wonderful…tender and thoughtful…I lived for this illusion…I learned to read the signs…Him getting colder, criticizing me…me…feeling not good enough, not fitting in, not worthy…And this tension was building up…it was always the same script…me, offending him somehow…and him…

He’s letting me loose and turns his back…and I can feel his anger. His fists so tensed, like getting ready to hit an invisible enemy. I’m touching him gently…

-Dave…I think I lost my mind in this process…

-No, you didn’t. You were caught in this circle of abuse…used by a man who was still resentful, angry, sick…

-At first I tried to save him, to help him heal…I imagined that my love…I know it’s stupid…I remember, Dave…I still feel it…first time…he slapped me and I didn’t reacted. I blocked…and he got so scared by my reaction. And then the second time when he pushed me…I started to cry, but my crying only made him more furious…

I’m still blocking my tears and he takes me in his arms. “It’s alright to cry…let it out…just let it all out” And I’m crying helpless in his arms…

-I’m so sorry…Dave…I was ashamed to tell you…and I just wanted to forget so I left…and…

-No, don’t say “I’m sorry”…never say you’re sorry…because no one has the right to judge you. I judge myself for not seeing the signs…Your nightmares, your depression, even the on line romance…you working till exhaustion…there were signs all over and I simply ignored them. What kind a man does this makes me? What kind of therapist? What kind of friend?

-The best…Who else would have tracked me in the middle of nowhere?

I’m smiling trough my tears and he smiles back at me. He’s cupping my face and I can see the question in his eyes…

-The divorce was pronounce in my absence…my dad hired a lawyer…Both of my parents were amazing about that…they were able to put aside their differences and to help me…And I feel guilty…they still treat me like I’m a porcelain doll…so careful about what they say and do around me…

-I noticed that…yesterday…when you introduced me to your father…

-Yes…he wanted to talk to you in private…I was so nervous about this…please tell me how it went…and I mean everything, I really can handle and I’m used to…

He stops me with a kiss and looks at me very amused.

-Well…your dad was silent. He was studying me from head to toes, like I were a bug…

-Oh no, Dave…I’m so sorry…

-Wait…and please don’t apologize…So, I broke the silence and told him something like this: “Signore Provenzano, I know I’m American, I’m 20 years older than your daughter, I’m not that good looking or successful, I’m even a little overweight and…worst thing…I don’t speak Italian and I got no interest in Sicilian businesses…but I’m here to make her happy and I wont quit…She wants your blessing and your approval and I will do whatever it takes to make this happen”

-My God…you said that to my dad…

-Yep!

-And what…what did he responded? Tell me! Tell…what, what?

He starts to laugh seeing me so impatient.

-He said “You’d better make her the happiest girl on earth, or I’ll cut your balls and feed them to the sharks!” And I said “Fair enough.” Then we shake hands and that was about all.

-Ughhhh…Dave, I don’t know what to say…I’m sorry that…

His kiss takes me by surprise and I feel my heart melting. Unfolding…I never truly understood…till now…

-This word…we’ll make it disappear…

-Hmmm…word…what word…?

-“Sorry”…this word. You, my sweet love…you’re a blessing in my life. Can you imagine how it feels to love someone from the first time your eyes met…and to feel this love growing, unable to show it, to express it…till one day…

-Dave…I need time…I will say the words, I promise you…but the divorce, the abuses…I’m carrying a storm inside me. It will be over…and I’ll say the words…

-Okay, stormy girl…We walked in the rain together before…what’s another storm…Come here, my hurricane…one day, not far from now…you and me…we’ll admire the ocean, we’ll dance bare foot in the sand…we’ll build castles and dreams…give yourself time to heal…and I’ll give you love…enough to fill all the empty places in your inner world…

…

Dancing with the demons in our minds…

Tags

abuse, children, emotional scars, father, fight, inner demons, love, marriage, metaphor, new chance, past, threat, trauma, violence

…so, if you never were a victim…

-What happen…Cari…you have to tell me everything. Your reaction…the way you blocked and froze when I tried to…

-You tried to…what? Tell me the truth. Because I saw it in your eyes. I see it in your eyes, Ryan…I see how you’re holding back from…

I couldn’t pronounce the words. “From hurting me”…And there it was, pure and bright like the light of day. The truth. I’m in a victim-aggressor relationship with the one who swore to protect me till the end of days…Even if this is only in my mind…

The guilt is like a monster. He feels guilty now. He hates himself for what he almost did…and he hates me for making him feel this way…and it’s all hate and guilt and anger…where it supposed to be love.

He’s taking my hand and pulls me closer. I know…he never wanted. We never wanted to come to this. He needs to say the words and I understand. Even if I’ll wear his words like a scar for the rest of my life…

-Carissa, I will make a confession to you…When we were fighting, before…and you told me that I’m half man with half heart…My God…that was the ugliest and the most cruel thing I ever heard…Anyway, when you said that…I felt the need…almost beyond control…

-yes…?

-To hit you…to hit you hard…to slap you and to hurt you physically…

That’s it…the words are still burning inside me. He’s talking fast…trying to replace the cursed words with another ones. Can you replace a blasphemy without committing another?

-Please look at me…I’m a monster, I know. But you…you had a reaction, like you were in shock…you became white like you saw a ghost…and you kept repeating something…when I touched you, you were so tense, so frightened and you looked at me without recognizing me…

…and if I never was a victim…

We’re being interrupted by that sound…is my father, I promised him we’ll talk on Skype…and he sees how I’m trying to smile. And I see how his expression is changing. I look at Ryan and he’s concerned, preoccupied. My dad was never a good diplomat, not even when he tried to be…

-What have you done to my daughter? And don’t try to deny!

-Nothing! He did nothing to me! We were having a serious conversation when you called…

I’m drowning…I can’t lie and my eyes are betraying me. I don’t wanna cry! I need time and space and Ryan’s words are still burning my soul. It hurts…it hurts so much, so terrible…

-Ryan, be a man and assume your actions. Why is my daughter crying? Don’t look away, only liars and cheaters look away when they’re asked a simple question! You hurt her…right?

-Listen, Franco…

-Don’t you dare treat me like I were your equal! You, boy, you’re not even worthy to kiss the dust from her feet…Listen to me and listen carefully! You’re a father too. You have two daughters.

-Yes, but what do they have to do…

-Is a simple thing. Everything that happens to my daughter, it will happen to your children too. You hurt her, I’ll make sure that your precious children get hurt as well…Capisci? You may think you’re safe or they’re safe…but ask yourself this: do you even know where they are right now? Who are they talking too? Are you sure you know…?

We’re ending this…the computer lies on the floor broken in pieces. I did it. I’m not ashamed. My heart lies on the floor too…broken too…I lost three people today. I lost Ryan…and now my father…but what hurts the most…I lost myself in this circle of madness.

-I’m sorry, Ryan. I promise you that nothing bad will happen to Chrissy and Izzy…you know how I love them…you know I would give my life to protect them…you know…please say that you know…

-I know, baby. But this is not about you and me. This is about a crazy old fool who’s threatening two innocent kids. It happens that the old fool is your father. And I can’t allow this, I simply can’t. I’m sorry, Carissa…I guess it wasn’t meant to be for us…

…then how could both of us be victims…

I’m packing my things. Is hard to be a witness to your own life. Is terrible when others are deciding and you feel like a leaf carried by the wind…Leave with dignity…even if behind the mask demons are tearing out my bleeding heart.

-Ryan…I love you. I will go if you want to. But I love you. I thought you should know.

He’s taking me in his arms, holding me tight.

-I love you too…baby, this is crazy…

-It is…you said that a relationship is like a dance…but we’re pushing each other and we’re pulling our hearts out…

His smile is so sad, it makes me cry.

-Maybe we’re not dancing with the right person…

I’m touching his face and he has tears in his eyes.

-I don’t wanna lose you, Ryan. I’d rather lose the whole world…But I also don’t wanna lose myself…Does this make any sense at all?

-It makes. A lot of sense. Tell me more…tell me how you see our future…how you see me. How you see our love…you have a way with words…that gives me peace. I’m longing for some peace of mind…

-My love…You were right before. We were dancing with the wrong partner. We were dancing with our own inner demons…and sometimes we were desperately trying to fit into each other worlds…but these terrible demons from our past wouldn’t let us…I’m willing to let them go and to be yours and only…But are you still willing to lead this dance?

-I am…I will always be…baby…you don’t know how I’m struggling inside. How I’m fighting…

-I know, Ryan…I know…Just take me in your arms…can you feel this? My heart beating so fast. We’re winning, my love…Over our pasts, over the trauma, over everything…Maybe our mistake was to search in each other a savior…but no one can save us from our inner ghosts…no one but ourselves. I’m ready to start all over again…

He’s kneeling in front of me, taking my hands and kissing them desperately…

-Carissa…will you do me the honor…to be my dance partner? Till the music will be over?

-Yes…I do…till the end of time. Till this music, called life…will sing it’s final note…

…

You got a smile that heals me…

Tags

accident, anger, cheating, child, control, decisions, fighting, first love, freedom, hospital, injury, love, marriage problems, pain, relationship, school

Dave: Remember when we walked in the rain? And everyone else around us were hurrying…only you stopped and looked up to the sky…

Me: I remember…the rain had a sweet taste. People say that rainy days are grey but that nuance has something warm…if you look closely. I always loved the rain while everyone around me were waiting for the sun… 

Dave: And now I’m waiting for you. For a sweet rain that will wash away the cruel sun…for a warm grey sky…

Me: Why cruel? Light is never cruel…

Dave: Because in the light of the morning sun, I can see it clearly…I cannot pretend that you’re here…The light is cruel because it shows me the emptiness without you.

March 2014, one year ago

The morning sky had pink traces and I smile to the clouds above. Is seven in the morning and I feel beautiful…I know I’m brave to wear high heels and a short skirt in a rainy day, but when I see myself in the mirror I know is the right choice. The skirt is blue, like his eyes and has fine dark grey lines like the sky above…

I’m trying to catch his eyes, searching for…approval? admiration? desire?…I hear the wind outside and I’m making a funny remark…but he’s not looking at me. He’s stressed and he’s hurrying and Chrissy is already at the door. I’m taking my purse and walk proud on my high heels…

-What’s this? Go change! You’re not going to classes dressed like this. Go, now, we’re running late!

I’m convincing myself that he’s talking to Chrissy…but he’s slowly pushing me back to the dressing room.

-Jeans and a sweater. Is cold outside, it will probably rain. And something to keep your feet warm.

Chrissy has a pleading look in her eyes and I know she’s afraid of fights. I know how she feels, how helpless and hurt can a child feel…and I don’t want her to be afraid. She’s taking my hand and says in a soft voice “please, Cari, I’ll be late…” And I can read in her heart, I can feel the pain behind her words…

I’m looking in his eyes. Straight in his eyes. He’s always saying that when I look at him like this I’m piercing his heart. This time it’s exactly what I want.

-Let me alone so I can change. You said you’re in a big rush, right?

I’m taking the jeans and the sweater and my bottom lip is trembling. No, don’t cry. Warriors don’t cry like babies whenever they dislike something. But my moves are robotic and I’m taking my skirt and my high heels with me…hidden in the purse…just like my heart is now hidden…

And somehow I still find the strength to smile at Chrissy. To hug her and to wish her a great day at school. She’s rewarding me with the sweetest smile and the most loving embrace. But my bottom lip is still trembling…and when she leaves the car I can’t pretend anymore. I’m crying on the rhythm of the music from the radio. He sees me crying and says nothing. And I wipe away my tears.

-Thanks for driving me to school.

-Wait…Cari…don’t leave like this. Don’t cry…I’m sorry for…

-For telling me what to wear? For telling me what to eat? For controlling my life like I’m some object of yours? Stop wasting your time, you’re not sorry. But you will be, I promise you that!

And just like that…I’m threatening him. Just like that…the darkness of the sky has made it’s way to my soul. And I can’t recognize myself! And I don’t like myself anymore! And…I’m not myself anymore…

And I’m running with tears streaming down my face. Running in the wrong direction. I can’t go to school and I can’t go back…And the phone keeps making that annoying sound that Ryan chose…and I answer and I cry. And I say “take me home…just take me home”.

An hour later, I’m home. His home. Wearing my short skirt and the high heels. Eating chocolate ice cream Listening to the sound of rain and letting him to wipe away my tears. He thinks I’m listening to him, but I’m lost somewhere in the darkness.

He’s telling me things that I can’t understand. That he and my dad are now business partners…that he’s thinking of buying a house in Palermo…and move back…back home…

-Alessio…I feel so tired…

-You are tired, amore…I can’t believe how he’s treating you…You should be his wife, not his slave…and the way he always makes you feel inferior…you deserve more…

-I love him…

-No, you don’t. You were lonely and scared and he took advantage. Come back home with me. Your father will help us build our own business…he changed so much…

I’m playing with my wedding ring and I feel dizzy. I’m in the wrong place…yes, I need to go home. I need to go back to my husband and to fix things. Maybe is my turn to make some rules…to repair some misunderstanding…to start from zero…

-Look at me! Is easier than you think!

He’s grabbing my ring…my wedding ring…I see it shining in his hand. For the last time…He opens the window and I see it falling in the dirt. It’s raining and is mud…my beautiful wedding ring…I almost jump to catch it, but he grabs my hands, holding me tight. I’m crying rivers of tears deep inside my heart and he doesn’t know, he doesn’t feel…He’s pressing my body against the wall and he’s kissing me…and I’m struggling in pain…my heart aches while he’s convinced that he’s saving me from my own denial…

He’s letting me loose and I push him, running down the stairs. My eyes are foggy from the tears, I wanna find my wedding ring, I wanna find my way back…

Dark. Someone is caressing my hair. Is warm and safe and when I open my eyes the light above me is white.

-It’s alright, baby…

-I’m…so…sorry, Ryan…forgive me…Where? What happen?

-Sssshhhhhtttt…there’s nothing to forgive. You’re at the hospital…you fell from the stairs, I think it happen at school, right? The good new is that you don’t have a fracture…only the tendons are affected, that’s why is so painful…

-And the bad new?

-Well…you’ll be staying home in bed for a while. No high heels, no pretty dresses. Just a nice soft pajama…and me. Spoiling you like I never spoiled no one before. Like I should have done it from the first day I met you. Cari, baby…this is all my fault…

I’m softly smiling, the pain doesn’t matter anymore.

-I’m sorry too…I acted like crazy this morning…and you were right, it was cold outside. But me…more stubborn than ever…Oh, Ryan…my wedding ring…

-It slipped away, probably. The guy who brought you to the hospital, I think his name is Alessio…is he a colleague of yours?

I’m lacking air. Is the pain…

-I don’t remember…I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…

-Baby…you probably don’t even know him. He said you fell at school because the outdoor stairs were slippery…I was just curious, that’s all.

He’s gently caressing my cheek…and the guilt inside is burning my heart…

-Can we go home? Please, Ryan…I know I’d feel much better at home…

-Yes, baby, let’s go home. My wounded princess…

…

 

There’s a hero…if you look inside your heart

Tags

attraction, cheating, control, desire, divorce, emotional abuse, falling in love, first love, getting lost, lies, love, mall, marriage, panic attack, relationships, romance, shopping

Dave: Let me tell you a story…about a little girl with a heart of a warrior…and a deep strong sense of justice. She dreamed to save the world…People told her she doesn’t stand a chance, but she still tried. And tried…till she realized she’s only human. And that was the moment when…

Me: when she gave up?

Dave: …when she became a true hero. Because she was wise enough to know that she needs to save her inner world first…and she was strong enough to ask for help when she couldn’t do it on her own. She is a hero, even if she doesn’t know it yet…

January 2014

A cold sweat on my forehead and the sensation of suffocating. But I’m smiling and I’ll keep smiling while I’m surrounded by people. I got lost again…Lost in my memories, lost in my desperation. My heart is pounding and I need to find the way back…The stairs seem endless and I keep smiling. To the little girl with the pink balloon, to the nice lady that helped me with the door, to the officer who said “hi” to me even if he doesn’t know me…

Is not the first time and probably it wont be the last time either…And I remember his words: “Just wait here…don’t go by yourself, is a big mall and you’ll get lost. You’re always getting lost…Can I trust you this time?” I said yes. Why have I said yes? Now I feel like crying, like screaming, like kicking myself for believing that I can walk on these corridors and still find my way back…

“No, Ryan, you can’t trust me. Please don’t trust me! Not if trusting me means leaving me alone…Because I’m always getting lost and you know it…”

And what’s saddens me the most is that I promised I’ll wait…I waited a lifetime already…why this sudden need of independence? Like I wouldn’t knew that I’m lost without him…

-Carissa…Cari…amore! I can’t believe it…is really you?

And now my world turns upside down…His voice, his arms around me, his curled hair and his dark blue eyes…I’m not lost anymore…or…have I just got deeper and deeper in this labyrinth called “life”…? Have I lost my mind, have I lost my soul? Am I losing myself again in his embrace? Please God…don’t let it happen…

-Alessio…how…

-I know! It’s crazy, I know! I don’t even like malls! I didn’t even planned to go shopping today! My God…this is…fate, destiny…I was looking for a…doesn’t matter anymore…and I got…

-Lost! You got lost?

I’m smiling and he’s laughing. We’re both laughing. I’m touching his face, trying to convince myself that he’s real…

-You’re…

-I’m older…I know…And you, American girl…you’re more beautiful than ever! Let me look at you…My God…how many years without seeing you? Four years? Could it be? Almost four…but it feels like a thousand years…

I should say something…He’s taking my hand and now is the moment. A sad smile on his face…a shadow of pain in his eyes…

-So…who’s the lucky one?

-Oh, my wedding ring…yes, I got married, his name is Ryan. We’re newly weds…just had the wedding six weeks ago…

His eyes are darkening and I remember exactly the feeling. Only that…this time I’m not scared…I’m proud…I don’t know why but I feel proud…

-Well, don’t expect me to say “congrats”. Damn it…that bastard who stole the love of my life!

He’s looking at my shocked face and starts laughing…

-Don’t mind me…I’m bitter cause I just got divorced…Hey, one thing I know for sure…I’m still shocking you! And you’re still blushing so easily…Amore mio…Sorry, I shouldn’t call you that way…

I know I’m all blushed. Just like I know that all the panic of being lost has turned into joy. The joy of finding again…my way? Am I crazy? My way back…I have to go back!

-Cari…don’t panic. I was just kidding…I’m happy for you. Now seriously…is he treating you well? Like a princess?

-Yes, he is…

And just like that I can’t…I can’t stop the tears…I just can’t…

-Heyyyy…what’s wrong? Principessa…

-I have to go…He’s probably searching for me and I promised him to wait…but I got lost and now…

-Now you’re just as helpless and sweet as I remember!

God no! I can’t be that helpless again. I’ll never be a victim again…What have I learned in therapy? That inner strength means asking for help…So I’m sweetly smiling now…

-Not that helpless…but you could help me. Where’s that place where…(I’m getting lost in details now and he barely stops himself from laughing)

-Right behind you! Cari…

-I know, I know…I’m walking in circles…that’s my unique talent.

And somehow I feel in control. Maybe it’s just an illusion. It is…but I don’t wanna think about it now…I’m giving him my number and he’s leaving with my promise…that we’ll meet “for a coffee” one day…Yes, one day…

So I’m back. Like nothing had ever happen.

-I’m sorry for staying so long…are you alright, honey?

-Ryan…

I’m hugging him like it was a year without seeing him. I’m putting my head on his chest and he’s caressing my hair. Sweet caresses…how I need him…

-See…if you’re listening to me…wasn’t that hard, right? (I’m nodding) You waited here, like I asked you to…it means a lot to me. Is not that I’m jealous or anything…I just hate when you’re getting lost…I wanna know where you are…all the time.

-Yes…I am right here with you…but please, don’t ask me where my heart is…I don’t know, I just don’t know it anymore…

…

 

Far away from all the crazy lies

Tags

breaking up, broken heart, broken marriage, deception, family, lies, love, new start, pain

Dave: Alright…it is your choice. After all, I found you standing on a bridge…

Me: An imaginary bridge between my past and my present. And, so many times I ran back, trying to find the missing pieces. The ones who, once I’d put back together, will give me the answer. 

Dave: Yes, the big question…why you? Why, even if you tried so hard to be a good person, making the right choices, sadness and shadows seem to follow you…why you?

Me: Why me? Now I know…it wasn’t the lack of love, it was the lack of honesty…I never learned how to be honest with myself…so how could I ever be honest with him?

November 2013

-I understand you, I really do…you were so deeply hurt, the wounds are still fresh and opened and you’re afraid they’ll never heal…You’re maybe thinking that love isn’t meant to be for you…and that any woman who gets close to you and to your kids is a potential aggressor…

-How…

-How do I know? Because I feel your pain…I wont try to comfort you…I wouldn’t find the right words…not after everything you told me. And I’m not expecting anything…I just wanna stay right here, in your arms…till the storm will be over…

-What if the storm will never be over? You deserve more, Cari…And I’m selfish…because I want you in my life even if I have nothing to give…a broken heart and many painful memories…

-Don’t go…Ryan…your broken heart is a perfect match for mine…and about painful memories…There is something I was trying to tell you. Is about me, my past…

-You always know the right words…You know what I adore the most about you? No? You wanna know? Give me a kiss and I’ll tell you…What I adore the most about you is this innocence…the purity of your heart. I love that you don’t have a complicate past…no shadows to haunt you…is absolutely amazing to me to know that I’m your first love…

-Ryan…what if…if…

-If you would have had a painful history? Well…then we wouldn’t stand a chance!

-Ohhhh…

-Because two broken hearts cannot function together…One has to be whole. One has to be unbroken. I don’t know if I can fix a broken heart…and I’m not sure I want to…

February 2015

-…so you lied to me all this time? I fell in love with an imaginary girl…one who never existed in reality…

-Everything I told you about my feelings for you is true! Everything! Ryan…you have to believe me…

-I have to? No, I don’t. You broke my trust and without trust there’s no love.

-No love…just because I couldn’t tell you…I tried to…I love you, Ryan, I really do.

-Is hard to believe now…and I don’t know who you are anymore. You’re not the one I thought…the girl I fell in love is gone. An illusion, that’s what you gave me. And I build my life, my marriage, my plans for the future…on this illusion. I can’t even look at you, Carissa…

-You want me to go?

-Yes. Far away from my life. Far away from my family. We’re over…

Dave: Who wasn’t honest? You…for hiding your past and for letting him create his own fantasy…or him…

Me: He was honest…but he wasn’t in love. I learned one thing, Dave. Love isn’t judgement or blame…love sees behind actions, love feels the real reasons and love forgives. True love forgives…He was never in love. And I was never honest. But not to him…I wasn’t honest to myself…

 

One foot in front of the other…

Tags

breaking up, control, distance, falling in love, friendship, haunted house, love, relationship, running away, therapy

Dave: I did it! And you know why? Because I care…and because it’s unfair to you and unfair to him…

Me: You shouldn’t have done it…you only made things worse.

Dave: Things cannot be worse! Cari…the worst already happen. You, leaving…to me, that’s a disaster. 

Me: He told me and he meant it…he doesn’t need a liar and a cheater in his life. Nor in his family. Tell me…is there another option?

Dave: Show me one person, one single person who never told a lie. One who never disappointed nobody…one who never broke a heart, willingly or unwillingly…Show me that person and I’ll back off…You can’t, right? Ryan can’t either…He demands perfection…but tell me, is he capable to give perfection? Or…at least…love?

back to my haunted home…

I closed the door behind him and the darkness of my old house seem less frightening. I am in love…My first day in the jungle, how my dad likes to call this amazing place…I close my eyes, trying to feel again. His eyes looking deep in my soul, his fingers accidentally touching my hair…his smile…I feel like dancing by myself and I know it’s silly…

It is silly…this is all in my mind. He said it clearly…he’s too hurt to fall in love again. And I’m too young…that’s what he said. But he also told me I’m sweet…and when I kissed him on the cheek he pulled me closer…

That’s only because he’s sorry for me! And he’s too much of a gentleman to say it to my face…He noticed that I got so sad when I saw the message from Leanne…he didn’t asked but he saw…stupid message…I’m reading it again and I feel like crying again…

“I’m spending the night with some old friends. I don’t like the house, too many sad memories. Take care.” Leanne

That simple…and I’m all alone in a haunted house. Ryan was right…some things cannot be fixed…maybe the relationship with my mom goes to the same category…Someone’s at the door…maybe she changed her mind. I need a friend right now…Please, God…make her change her mind!

-Ryan…you’re here…

-And you’re trembling. OK, I wanna see the message you got. The one that made you sad…

-Oh…it was…nothing at all…I was just tired…how could I be sad after this amazing evening…

He’s getting closer and when he’s looking in my eyes like that…I can’t lie…

-Carissa…when you got the message, the light in your eyes faded away. I saw you struggling not to cry. It was wrong of me not to ask, I thought is none of my business. That was a misjudgment. Everything about you is my business.

-It is? It really is?

Never felt so happy to have someone meddling in my life…oh, how I wish this to be forever…

-Yes. Now give me your cellphone.

And, I don’t know why, but I feel helpless…I don’t want him to talk to me like this, it reminds me…No, he’s different…he cares…And I’m giving him the cell with trembling hands and tears in my eyes. I’m tired, I’m lonely and I need a friend…

-See? It’s nothing…

-You’re crying…Leanne is your mother, right? (I’m nodding) I wanna talk to her tomorrow (panic now). For now…pack some things for tonight, you’re going home with me.

-Home? I can’t…I don’t…

I’m struggling, feel like drowning…He’s taking me in his arms caressing my hair and I wanna tell him that I am home…in his arms, that’s where I belong…

-Yes you can, I’m not leaving you here all alone. One thing though…never do that again. Never pretend you’re alright when you’re broke inside…I don’t like liars, I don’t want a liar in my life. So, if you wanna be a part of my life…that’s one of the ground rules.

A part of his life…I’m a liar…he said I’m a liar…he wants me in his life…ground rules…rules…his tone…he took my cell and checked my messages like he would have the right…and I couldn’t say no…I should lock the door right now…I should stay away…I’m not in love…how could I be in love with this guy? He’s the most authoritarian and controlling and…

-I scare you, right? Carissa…

-No…I’m just…

-Well, you look scared. But if you don’t wanna be honest with me…

He has a disappointed look in his eyes and I can’t stand the thought of letting him down. So I decide to be brave. And honest…

-Wait, don’t go, please…It’s true, you scare me a little. When you talk like that…about rules…is like giving me orders and…I’m not used and I don’t want to…

He smiles at me and I’m smiling back now. I know I’m all blushed and my hair is a mess…And my speech about pride and dignity has no sense at all…He’s touching my face and the tenderness in his touch makes me melt.

-Well, you scare me too…yes, you…sweet girl who fell from heaven straight into my life…Don’t laugh, you’re scary! You’re so sweet and beautiful…and when you talk to me…is like touching a deep place in my heart…a place that stayed lonely and dark for too long. I am controlling…because life has showed me that…the moment when you lose control, you fall…and falling down can be painful as hell…

-I’m falling too…but you’re here…I don’t wanna be afraid…

-Then don’t be. Trust me. Just trust me. I’m not leaving you alone tonight. There’s nothing to talk about. Let’s not turn this into a big heavy talk about control. Is a simple question. Are we sleeping here or home?

Home…he made it sound just like it were our home…I can’t stop smiling and I feel like dancing again…We…sleeping…home…am I dreaming?

-I wanna go home with you, Ryan…

…

You will be my only…

Tags

broken heart, depression, divorce, falling in love, friendship, leaving home, love at first sight, running away, sadness

Dave: You think no one remembers you? You couldn’t be more wrong! I’m asking you again: why? Why couldn’t you just stay and deal with your problems?

Me: Because no one would understand…I broke my promises but I never meant to break his heart. And I honestly think that is easier for him to imagine I just disappeared than to deal with the truth…

Dave: Come back…just come back home. Look into his eyes and tell him: “I’m human, I made a mistake”! See how he feels, give him the chance to decide…

Me: In the moment when he’ll look in my eyes…that moment, Dave…I’ll just die…

September, 18 months ago…

So here I am…standing in this big old house by myself. No “welcome home party”, nothing like I’ve seen in movies…Dad was right about Leanne, she went for a walk and left me here with all these suitcases I cannot even move…

I should be a warrior but all I feel right now is a huge need of crying my eyes out. I feel pity for myself. Nothing works. The lock of my door is broke, the windows are old and dusty, the bed…I wish I could lie and look at the cracks of my ceiling but the bed is broke…I don’t even know where or how to start…

Someone’s at the door. Hope is Leanne…I’m rushing down stairs and the first thing I see brings a big smile on my face. Red roses…

-Welcome to US…we’re happy to have new neighbors…blah-blah-blah…here are the roses, Ryan made me come here! Bye bye!

The little girl turned her back leaving me more surprised than ever before.

-Wait…thank you…I’m Cari…and you’re…

-I’m Chrissy.

-She’s my daughter and she’s very sorry for being rude! Hope you can forgive her, she’s a little wild. I’m Ryan…

I’m looking in his eyes and feel my mind is blank…trying to find the right words and I realize I’m making a fool out of myself. I’m lost in front of him and my heart is beating madly…Chrissy runs outside without saying goodbye and I have no idea how to react to all these.

-I’m…

-You speak English, don’t you? I heard you talking to Chrissy before…

My God…now he’ll think I’m stupid…I feel my cheeks getting all red and I know he’s smiling. I need the right words and I need them now!

-I do speak English, yes…I’m Carissa, this is my first day and I’m a little overwhelmed. I just arrived and nothing works in the house…and I should thank you for the roses…they’re wonderful.

He’s taking my hand and I’m sure he can feel how cold and sweaty it is…I’m sure he realized by now that I’m completely under his spell…and I’m desperate to have a little control over my own reaction…

-It will be alright, Carissa…is an old house…some people say is haunted…

-I’m not afraid of ghosts! I’m afraid I wont be able to fix things…

His expression becomes more serious and he’s gently touching my face, making me look in his dark blue eyes. And I can’t help it…I feel like a fool and these tears shouldn’t be here…and I just wanna run and hide…but what I’m feeling is too strong. He’s the one…The One…and I feel it against all my reason…

-You know…I will help you fix things, one by one. We’ll fix everything. OK? Don’t cry, it will be alright…everything will be alright. I know is scary and I know everything is new to you…but these beautiful eyes of yours should only cry tears of joy. Come here…

He’s pulling me closer and I feel I’m living a dream. I’m falling in love…He’s making everything alright and he’s fixing my broken heart…

-Carissa…

-I’m sorry…there are tears on your shirt now…

-It’s a long time since I had a beautiful girl crying in my arms. You make me feel like a superhero…

-I think you are…

He laughs and I’m smiling. He’s wiping away my tears and touches my hair…An hour ago I didn’t knew him and now my heart belongs to him…forever…

-You have the sweetest smile I ever saw…

-Ryan?

-Yes…

-Do you…believe…in…love at first sight?

He’s letting me go and without his touch I’m cold. My heart feels cold and lonely. I made a mistake! I’m only human…

-No. I don’t believe in love. But I believe you do and that’s beautiful. Some things can be fixed, other don’t…So…why don’t we go out for a drink and you’ll let me show you the city? And while we’re out I’ll have some workers here…

-To fix things?

He smiles. The connection between us goes beyond words and I know he feels it too. Even if he doesn’t believe in love…

-No. To do some repairs in this old house. I promised you…I’ll fix things! Who else? Am I not your superhero anymore?

He’s getting closer and my heart is pounding. I want him to kiss me…God…how I want him to kiss me…

-Carissa…what are you thinking about?

-That I…that you…oh, I’m sorry…that I could fix things too…for you…

He has a nostalgic look in his eyes and I don’t wanna lose him now…

-…if you let me…only if you let me…

He’s taking my hand and kisses my fingers.

-Maybe I will. One day…maybe I will…

…

Dave: Let me talk to him! Let me take full responsibility for what happen…You were vulnerable, you made a mistake…

Me: I didn’t just made a mistake, Dave…I created a disaster…please don’t talk to him. I love him too much to let him go trough that…

Dave: And I love YOU too much to let you go trough this alone…You’re starting a new life, right? Running away from everything…then let me be a part of your life. 

Me: No, Dave. This time I’m responsible for the things I broke. This is my chance to fix them…starting with my own heart. 

Dave: I’ll find you and I’ll bring you back home…I’ll do everything to save…

Me: Can’t you hear me, Dave? I don’t wanna be found and I don’t wanna be saved…

I had no chance (but to become a warrior)

Tags

a new life, abuse, depression, divorce, falling in love, forgiveness, revenge, warrior

Dave: Don’t let them get to you! Imagine that you have a protective shield around your heart…

Me: A wall? You’re the one who convinced me to break down all the walls…and now…now you want me to build them again?

Dave: Is different, Cari…The walls are made of fears and anger…the protective shield is made of love…

Me: Then we have a big problem, Dave! Because without him there is no love…no shield…no life…But maybe is for the best. I’m breaking in pieces…my heart breaks every day without him…And I don’t wanna put them together, don’t wanna fix this…all I want is to lie still and forget…

“I put my head on his chest and all the pain seemed to go away forever. He was crying too even he would never admit that…foolish old pride…

-So you forgive this old fool who only wants a chance? To be your father…

I smiled at him. He changed so much while I was away…and I knew it must be hard to learn to love after a lifetime of hate…

-Of course I forgive you. You are my father! The only father I’ll ever recognize.

-How I wish to go back in time…to change everything…you and Alessio…

The name itself brought tears of pain in my eyes. Alessio…the one who was never truly there…a fantasy that destroyed my life.

-I’m sorry, Cari…I handled all wrong…I panicked when you and Alessio started dating. I didn’t knew how to react and I did what I thought is right.

The ring of his phone and I saw him smiling. Short words. A brief conversation and he turned to me with a victorious look in his eyes.

-Figlia…they located Matteo…that bastard will pay…and it will be a painful end…I wanna see him begging for life and I wanna see his parents swirling like worms…

-Stop it! Stop it right now! Cancel everything! Do you hear me, dad?

I was shouting at him and I was more surprised than he was.

-Carissa…maybe you can forgive and forget because you’re an angel. I’m not and I can’t. We can’t simply move on…and I wont allow…

-But it is my life. And is not what I came back for…

He looked at me with a mixture of shock and scare. Same look every time I was talking about my time “out” there, in heaven…But I knew I got his attention because he took my hand…and I knew I reached to his heart because I heard the tremble in his voice.

-Carissa, I know you were…in a place…but you never told me. Do you remember what you saw there? And you came back for a reason…

-Yes. I was send back for a reason. I didn’t wanted to come back. But He send me with a purpose…

Franco had a sarcastic smile.

-If He sends you to sacrifice again…He’s dead wrong.

-No. Not to sacrifice myself again. To stop the sacrifice. Useless sacrifices that only bring more pain, more bitterness, more hate. I’m not crazy, father and I’m no angel. Is hard for me, impossible right now…to forgive and forget what Matteo did. And I’m not here to be a victim. I was one. It was the only role I ever knew how to play right…

-And now…

-And now I have no chance but to become a warrior. To fight my own fears, to build something. How do I build a new life if the base is nothing but death and revenge. Dust and ruin…

-You’re asking me…

-You asked me to come back. You asked me to give you a chance. Now I’m asking you for my chance. I’m asking you something huge…to let go of your ego, your wounded pride…and to help me get out of this labyrinth.

He looked down and his sadness was  almost touchable.

-What will you do there? America is wild…and you have no one…Leanne is not reliable and chances are that you’ll take care of her, not the other way around…What will you do all alone in that jungle?

-What warriors do, dad…

-I don’t want you to be a warrior. I want you to be my little girl again! To come back home, to let me kill that bastard…to have a good life…

I hugged him and I knew it’s our way of saying goodbye.

-I will have a good life. A good family…and you’ll always be a part of it. I wont be alone, dad…love is waiting for me.

-Yeah…Prince Charming…

-Well, I don’t know his name…but I have to believe that every step I’ll make will bring me closer to love…”

Dave: Please be that warrior once again…don’t let yourself fall like that…

Me: Too late…I already fell and I keep falling…

Dave: Then…at least fall in the arms of someone who loves you. If you have to fall…fall for someone special…for someone who loved you from the day one…for someone who waited for you…a lifetime…

Me: Prince Charming? 

Dave: No. Me…just me…please fall in love with me…

With a little love, you will survive!

Tags

abuse, amnesia, assault, friends, head trauma, hospital. mother-daughter relationship, memories, recovering memory, trauma

Dave: What if you could take it all from the start?

Me: A new start? I had that chance, I repeated the same mistakes…

Dave: Is your choice to look at things in terms like “mistakes” and “wrong or right”…and is sad that someone so forgiving with the others can be so harsh with herself…

“The woman standing in front of me had tears that seemed colored in blue. Maybe because of her light-blue eyes, same color as the summer sky. Her long blond hair and her perfect figure made her look like a model and only the thin lines around her eyes were keeping me from believing she’s around my age.

-You really can’t remember me? Nothing? Not my voice? Anything at all? Please, Cari…maybe if you try harder…

I was feeling guilty seeing her tears rolling down her face and the way she was holding my hands, so I used my logical thinking…if she’s here, she must be family…because she was the first visiting me…so…

-You’re family…you’re…my sister?

Her smile was even sadder than her tears.

-Months…weeks ago…how would I have enjoy hearing you say that I’m your sister…my foolish, self destructive ego and my selfish obsession for physical perfection…No, Cari…I’m your mother. My name is Leanne, maybe you can remember my name…

My eyes were strangely burning and I felt something salty on my lips. Tears…am I crying?

-My God, I made you cry…and doctors said you’re not allowed to have strong emotions. I’m sorry, honey…you know…you will remember in time…

-I’m happy I have a mother…

She hugged me and it felt so good…my first hug since I came back.

-Of course you have a mother! And a father! And two brothers, well, step brothers to be more specific. And a fiancee…and friends, and a priest who only met you once but spend day and night praying for you…You have so many people carrying for you…loving you. But more important, now that you’re back, we’ll be best friends!

I felt happy, a feeling I remembered somehow, like from a dream. Or wasn’t a dream? The golden light…

-You like this? I saw you looking at my necklace…I want you to have it.

The little crucifix in my palm was warm and it made me believe that Leanne…my mother…is the nicest person on earth…

-Thank you…but you don’t have to…gold is expensive…right? I remember that! And white gold is the most beautiful! I remember that too! You told me once…see? I remember!

I was celebrating my first re-gained memories like a child celebrating a new toy. She seemed happy too.

-You remember right. I tried to teach you all I knew about jewelries, but you never showed too much interest…Gold is truly expensive, but it worth every penny…Cari…Carissa…honey…

I froze for a moment…a black shadow and a new feeling. Desperation…I remembered desperation…and heartbreaking sadness. Pain…all at once…A voice…Her voice… “Your life isn’t worth it that much”…Was that a nightmare? But the sound was too vivid in my mind…and then another feeling…fear…

-Carissa…Doctor! She’s losing conscience again! Cari…please don’t do that again…

“Please don’t do that…just think about…if I’ll die, you’ll be going to jail…you’re ruining both of our lives…and for what? Just think about, is not too late to let me go.”

“To let you go? To let you go to another man you mean! You played me for a fool but it’s over…You’ll be mine and your last memory will be me…isn’t that sweet?”

“Never!”

“Carissa…my God…you’re bleeding…you fell…”

“Help me…Matteo…I need to go…to…a…hospital…”

“They’ll think I did this to you, but I didn’t! You’ll die and I’m going to jail! I’m sorry, Carissa, I can’t go to jail! I’m sorry!”

-…and she wasn’t supposed to be forced to remember that soon! That’s exactly why we didn’t wanted her to have visitors.

-I’m not any visitor, I’m her mother! She was happy, smiling and then, suddenly…Doctor, she’s waking up!

The feeling of waking up from a nightmare…I opened my eyes feeling something very lucid inside my mind. Memories…the bad ones…

-Leanne…

-Yes, honey…I’m right here…

-You said my life isn’t worth it that much…If you’re my mother, why have you said that?

-Ohhhh…

-Because her own pathetic life is worthless. That’s why she said that.

He walked in the room ignoring everything around him. A strong man with a strong voice. He said something to the doctors then turned to me. My eyes were still foggy but I could feel the touch of his hand.

-Welcome back, angelito…My name is Angelo, your father hired me to be your bodyguard till this ugly story will be solved. You need to rest now, I’ll make sure you wont be bothered again.

It only took me a second to fall asleep again. The healing sleep, that’s how the doctors were telling me later. But the door was already opened…and it was for the best. Because shadows only become darker in the absence of light.”